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2012-02-08T13:46:00.001-05:00

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of babies and rejuvenation

2011-11-17T12:28:00.003-05:00

ah, i know. it's been quite the long time. but i feel somewhat refreshed and rejuvenated, ready to once again lay bear my heart and my journey with Jesus, hoping that some little blessing finds its way to your own heart, dear reader.

so much has changed since june. so. much.

if you were traipsing along with me back then, you know my family suffered a terrible loss in march, and i am so grateful for all the love and support during my miscarriage.

God was so faithful to our family though, and blessed us with another pregnancy shortly afterwards. i'm now 30 weeks pregnant (!!!!) with another little boy. our little daniel is due february 2nd (though this mama's hoping and praying that maybe he'll be enticed into an early appearance in january). regardless, i'm so grateful. it's an unbelievable experience, carrying life in your womb. for those that cannot share in this joy, my heart breaks for you. it's such a tremendous cross to bear. for those that have not yet tasted of motherhood, hold on to your seats, because life is never predictable again.

sometimes, my heart trembles a little at the thought of two. two boys. oh my goodness. what's a mama to do, outnumbered in such a fashion? but my matthew is such a lover, so enthusiastic about life, so ready to taste of all life's joys, how could i not be excited to give him a brother to wrestle and explore and live with. clearly, God knows what he is doing. so i will brace myself and enjoy the ride.

my music is continuing to flourish in his time. i have expanded my ministry to several new churches, both in fort myers and naples. i have also been asked to reprise my role as "baby speaker" for the women of faith, women of action conference next march. i say "baby" because i shared the spotlight with such awesome speakers as colleen carroll campbell and brenda sharman this past february, and will join johnette benkovic and mary jo anderson this coming march. email me (gabriela@gabrielafrei.com) if you'd like more info on this fabulous conference as it progresses. we women need this occasional refreshment. i know i'm so looking forward to it already.

i'm re-learning too, how to balance life as mother and musician. that's been such a theme for this blog, and i seriously thought i had it all under control. all my balls were nicely rotating in midair, and i felt in control and on top of things. then God threw another baby into the mix, and all of a sudden, i felt somewhat precarious in my comfort zone. my hubby has been both my strength and sometimes my voice of reason, helping me through the occasional meltdown when i fear i can't do it all perfectly. and we sure know how gabi loves to do things perfectly.

but God doesn't demand perfection, as we know so well in our heads but grapple so much with in our hearts. at least i do. amazing how much he has taught me about that in this year. i have a lot to share, especially in regards to healing from my loss and moving forward from emptiness into the fullness of his love. i think that might be what i speak about at the conference in march, so i'll use this blog as a sort of dry run to collect and organize my thoughts. (you all should definitely still come though. johnette benkovic + mary jo anderson will be phenomenal!).

thanks for your patience. thanks for your prayers. i am where i am today because of the love and support of so many of you, who held my hand during a difficult time.

At dusk weeping comes for the night;

but at dawn there is rejoicing. (psalm 30:6b)

come along for the ride. the dawn has been marvelous, and it's looking to be a beautiful, beautiful day.

ps: a taste of pregnant me :)

photo credit: http://pregnancyoutreach.org/

when a man loves a woman

2011-06-10T14:13:00.001-04:00

i was going through my facebook groups and deleting ones that were fad decisions or have now become irrelevant, and i discovered that i was a member of a group titled there are some things guys should always do for girls. period.

i had completely forgotten about this group, as has inevitably happened with most of my groups on facebook, and was pleasantly surprised to re-read the manifesto there listed.

our culture has unfortunately ceased to value the gentleman and lady. i obviously don't mean in the nobility sense, but in the noble sense, in the gentle and cultured and dignified sense.

now, i don't by any means pretend to be a perfect lady. i have my bad habits to kick and manners to polish as much as the next gal. but i am trying to remain ladylike in a culture that lauds movies such as bridesmaids as "groundbreaking" and "revolutionary" for featuring women exhibiting grotesque behavior that before now has been limited to the male arena.

i would love to see a return to a more graceful interaction between the sexes, where women know their true worth and beauty, and men truly earn respect and know what it means to be masculine.

the group has the following listed as their manifesto. i will follow up this post with one enumerating the manner in which ladies ought treat their men. my personal favorites are in bold.

men, we ladies want you to be gentlemen. and we know that this means that we have to be ladies, to encourage you. we know there are things we too must change. let us all propose to be better versions of ourselves, to clean up our acts and begin to set a new example, one of grace and care and respect for one another. i for one would relish it.

The following is not a list of rules. They're suggestions to encourage guys to be gentlemen.

1. Open doors when possible - whether it be to a building or the passenger car door. the classic example that's stood the test of time.

2. When in a place of worship (or other places that have aisles and pews), if a man is at the end of the pew, when exiting he should stand in the aisle and let all the females go before him.

3. A man should tolerate the occasional chick flick, musical, opera, or ballet - whatever her preference is - *without* complaining about it.

4. Play one of the songs that would make any woman weep like the little girl she once was (but in a good way). A brief list includes, but certainly isn't limited, to:
"You & Me" by Lifehouse
"Collide" by Howie Day
"Out Of My League" by Steven Speaks
And MOST IMPORTANTLY "Question" by the Old 97's (if you propose to a girl with this song, she is putty in your hands).
("Putty in your hands" is not meant to promote "using women" in any way. This group does not encourage guys to be polite in order to get her into bed.)

5. Talk! The strong & silent bit goes from intriguing to boring quite fast.

6. Find out what her favorite flower is and buy them for her randomly (regardless of the situation you might be in). A simple yet profound truth: a single rose says more than dozens of anything else. (I encourage the women to not allow a guy to "prove himself worthy" through gifts and flowers and such. Trust is a precious thing and it should take a good chunk of time before he gains it back in your heart.)

7. If you miss her, or love her, TELL HER! Even your friends like to hear it every now & again.

8. Remember: the best gifts you can give are usually free of cost.

9. Leave a note (or send a message) just to say "hi".

10. Ask her questions about herself.
11. Dress nice every once & a while. Any girl likes to see her brother/friend/boyfriend/etc. in a well-ironed button-up with some nice slacks.

12. PRIDE & PREJUDICE ...that's all I have to say about that (I mean, that should speak for itself). (It's even more impressive if he has read the book.)

13. Tolerate small children as best you can. Meaning, put up with the things that can get annoying. They're children, after all. Show them love and care, teach them how to become a better man than you.

14. Learn to dance! There is nothing sexier than a man who can dance really well. If God did not bless you with the grace of Fred Astaire, at least put forth the effort, it will be greatly appreciated. Always slow dance (even if it's just like you danced in middle school). Also, men, sing to a lady. Even if you're terrible, suck it up! They love to listen to it and will not care what you sound like. It's the thought that counts on this one.

15. Kiss her on the forehead.

16. When she's sick, stay up with her. If you can cook (which is *always* a plus), make her some soup. If you can't cook, there's Campbell's soup at hand for you.

17. Hold her hand while you talk, drive, or just for the heck of it (it's the small things that win you big points).

18. Call her beautiful, because that's what she is (or gorgeous or stunning or captivating or...)
19. Offer her your jacket/sweatshirt. (Note: you may not see that particular item of clothing for a while, if ever again).

20. Don't be too proud to apologize.

21. It's not stalking to watch her sleep if you fall asleep watching a movie. It is stalking to watch her sleep if you're standing outside her window with night vision goggles.

22. When she feels at her worst, tell her she looks her best.

23. If you're trying to get more than friendship out of the relationship, take it slow and never rush her.

24. Guys - always offer to pay for the date. No matter how expensive it gets, especially if YOU asked HER on the date. [if she is willing to pay now and again, don't let your "man pride" get in the way of her wanting to give back to you. she should understand money can be tight - especially when you're always buying]

25. Always do everything in your power to keep her as happy as you can. And cheer her up in any way possible. [if she isn't always happy - and i've never met a girl who is - don't be afraid of her and don't be stupid and always, unquestioningly, blame it on PMS. be there WITH her when times are tough and she wants you there.]

26. When walking on the sidewalk, always walk on the outside near traffic.

27. At least do everything in your power to keep cursing to a minimum while around her. If you can, cut it out period while around her, or cut it out of your vocabulary. Women don't want to hear it, guys don't care about it, adults don't want to hear it, it doesn't impress employers, and you sure won't want your children or someone else's to hear it!

28. Sometimes you have to take the initiative. Don't always wait for her to come to you, because if that's how it always is, you're going to lose her.

29. If any lady is walking alone to her car in a dark parking lot/garage, or is carrying a heavy load, always offer to help walk her to her destination and carry things, if not the entire load.

30. If a woman says no, let that be her final answer with maybe one question of confirmation after her first answer. Do not pressure or force her in any way after that. Don't make her give in to something she doesn't want to do.

31. Always be honest with her. No woman wants or likes a dishonest man. If you can't be honest with her, she can't trust you, and shows you don't trust her enough to be honest. Trust, honesty and integrity are just as an integral part of a relationship and just as important as love.

32. A man should always genuinely listen to women; no matter how bored or busy the man is. Actively listening to the woman will keep him from pain (and bring the man and woman closer together). This works best, of course, when both the man and the woman actively and equally engage in conversation (this includes listening). For the ladies reading this, please talk - always talk - especially if you are having problems with the relationship and to also avoid making bigger problems.

photo credit: http://forum.kalpoint.com/all-about-love/n-a-78990-20.html

empty hands raised

2011-06-08T13:39:00.001-04:00

for the past few months, the idea of being empty before the lord has been very present in my mind and heart.

honestly, i had thought it to be a bad thing - how could i come empty before him? how could that state of having nothing to offer come even close to being worthy of his presence?

and then the lord gave me a lovely gift in the form of a one minute segment on our local catholic radio station, which focused on the need for us as christians to have empty hands.

i was so touched that in the few minutes that i happened to be in the car, matthew was well-behaved and not demanding that i play his music cd, that i happened to turn on my favorite catholic station, and that this segment just happened to be playing then.

there are no coincidences in life, just evidences of God watching over his little ones.

this segment concentrated on the following reasons we need to have empty hands as followers of Christ:

firstly, empty hands are best suited to being raised in gratitude and praise of the lord. we are not able to concentrate on being grateful for the things we have if we are clutching them so tightly, or gazing longingly at the things we don't have. also, hands raised in praise are not limited or weighed down by the burden of possessions. they are free and weightless, always giving glory to the one who is most worthy.

secondly, hands that are empty are hands that are free to go wherever the lord calls, to do whatever work he requires. we cannot honestly say, "send me, lord" if we are clinging to our current way of life, our current stuff. if we desire to set our hands to the plow the lord has in store, we must be willing to let go fully of all that we have now. it is just stuff after all--it is replaceable and does not bring happiness in the long haul.

thirdly, hands that are empty are best able to share in the cross and sufferings of the lord, especially in our fellow brothers and sisters. in being empty, we can minister freely to those around us who are not themselves free. there are so many in our world that are heavy-laden and broken. our open, welcoming hands not only encourage others to come to us and find the rest that comes from Jesus, but give us the strength to be there for others in their times of need.

and finally, empty hands are the only ones that will at last clutch the extended hand of Jesus, who will then guide us into heaven, into eternal joy and fulfillment. it won't matter in the end what possessions we have accumulated on earth, what our hands hold here. we take nothing but our hearts with us. if we have lived our lives with empty hands, we will discover that in the end, our hearts are unbelievably full. and we will be satisfied so much more than with earthly treasures.

so i no longer am ashamed to be empty. i no longer see it as a weakness or as something to be fixed or overcome. i just need to orient my emptiness properly, with my eyes fixed on Jesus.

i need to be empty in order that he may fill me with his love, so that i can then shower it on the world.
i need to be empty in order to receive his peace, which will carry me through every circumstance.
i need to be empty to be consumed by his light, which will shine radiant in a world of darkness.

fill me, Jesus. i desire only you.

this photo comes from the blog, Julie Loves English. i just did a random google search for "empty hands" and this image came up, which led me to this blog, which just happened to feature a poem about having empty hands. you should definitely read it:

Treasures

One by one He took them from me,

All the things I valued most,

Until I was empty-handed;

Every glittering toy was lost.

And I walked earth's highways, grieving.

In my rags and poverty.

Till I heard His voice inviting,

"Lift your empty hands to Me!"

So I held my hands toward heaven,

And He filled them with a store

Of His own transcendent riches,

Till they could contain no more.

And at last I comprehended

With my stupid mind and dull,

That God COULD not pour His riches

Into hands already full!

-Martha Snell Nicholson

things to be desired

2011-06-01T14:44:00.001-04:00

this poem composed by max ehrmann was read at a funeral i recently sang at.
it is called Desiderata, which means "things to be desired" in latin.
it leaves the heart feeling inspired and challenged.

i have put in bold those parts that most touched me.

enjoy and be moved.

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

that is my hope and prayer for you this day: strive to be happy.

may the Lord bless you and keep you,

make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you.

may he lift up his countenance toward you

and give you his peace.

photo credit: http://landofharvest.com/noelgallery2.html

marriage is what brings us together today

2011-05-30T20:44:00.001-04:00

we drove 30 minutes to mass yesterday at a parish that we normally do not attend, to hear a priest who proclaims the truth with utter boldness and faith.

needless to say, i was quite disappointed when we got to mass late, missed the readings, and on top of it all, the priest i was so looking forward to hearing speak was not celebrating mass.

(an aside: this is one of my favorite parts of being catholic - despite my disappointment at not having a homily by one of my favorite priests, i still received the true body and blood of Jesus at this mass, which made it an awesome mass. i am grateful and consider this fact to be truly glorious - i am not dependent on having heard a terrific homily in order to have a sublime encounter with Christ at church. that experience lies one hundred percent in my receiving of the Eucharist. but, i have to admit, a great homily does accentuate the rest of the liturgy and can leave me quite motivated to become more holy).

that segues nicely into my main point: i was pleasantly surprised, in spite of my former disappointment, that this new priest himself preached a good homily that, in spite of my wrangling with my son thoughout its entirely, managed to hit home several lovely and thought-provoking points.

my favorite was this: he spoke a little about marriage and how it is one of the greatest examples on earth of how the Lord loves us. now, no marriage is perfect, and our lord can only love us perfectly. nonetheless, a marriage striving to mirror the love of the trinity can truly grant the couple an experience of heavenly love on earth.

every spouse experiences the frequent need to sacrifice for the good of their beloved. sometimes, it's easy, because you can either see the purpose for that sacrifice or you are able to draw some satisfaction or pleasure out of it. other times, the sacrifice can seem pointless - why on earth is my beloved asking this of me? i see no reason that i should do or not do this, just so that my spouse can be happy.

but that is love - letting go of your needs or expectations, so that your spouse can be happy or satisfied. it is forever putting someone else's best good before your own. this is what we enter into when we say, "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, i will honor and love you all the days of my life."

this is how Jesus loves us: "greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. we may not be asked in our marriages to lay down our lives, but we do die to ourselves every day, sometimes every moment.

and the love becomes ever more fruitful, ever more faithful, ever more reflective of God's love, the more we imitate his agape in our marriages.

he blesses our unions and makes them holy. his sacramental grace floods husband and wife, and makes each willing sacrifice easier and more beneficial than the last. he transforms our hearts to resemble his.

only thus, can we truly love each other, when we love with Jesus' heart, a heart broken and poured out for us in the ultimate show of agape.

we should show this type of unconditional love towards every brother and sister in Christ. but he knows that we need to begin small, so he gave us our family, our husbands, our wives, our children. here, in the family, we learn to love. and then that love can flow out into the world and change it forever.

it begins with i do and ends in eternity.

my soul proclaims the greatness of the lord...

2011-05-27T16:33:00.001-04:00

my spirit rejoices in God my savior,

for he has shown mercy to his little one.

he has showered a thirsty heart with living water.

he has shepherded a lost soul back into the fold.

his mercy is without end,

his love is everlasting and abundant.

his faithfulness extends beyond infinity,

his mercy endures forever.

my humble voice cannot do justice to his glory.

my simple praise is insufficient to capture his majesty.

and yet, it is a sweet sound in his ear, for his acceptance makes it so.

he embraces my praise, and thus it becomes worthy.

he takes in my love, and returns it back a thousand fold.

in him, i am satisfied beyond measure,

i am filled with every good thing,

i am rich beyond imaging.

i am at peace in his arms at last.

Not only that, but we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance,and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the holy Spirit that has been given to us.

+romans 5:3-5+

photo credit: http://nothingbutpraise.blogspot.com/2009/05/praise-jesus.html

50 questions

2011-05-25T22:15:00.004-04:00

this is taken from a great blog/online magazine i recently stumbled upon, the violet. the maiden issue rocked my socks, with little articles on everything from self-help to fashion to food to staying sane in a crazy world. one of the older posts featured this list of 50 questions which are intended to help you know and understand yourself. this was truly a fascinating exercise. i challenge you to go through this list. it takes a half hour or so, especially if you don't write the answers down. but i would recommend writing the list down and returning to it in the future. answer the questions honestly and without overly thinking them through. you are not tied to your answers and you could change tomorrow. the point is how you feel today. enjoy.

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
22.

Which is worse, failing or never trying?
if i'm truly being honest, failing is worse. and that's definitely something i know i'd like to change about myself, the way i view the world, and the manner in which i attempt to conquer it.

If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
we do things we don't like out of a feeling of necessity or obligation -- i have to pay these bills, i have to make my family proud, i have to impress my my boss... we like the things we don't do because of a sense of fantastical excitement -- we have an idealistic dream in mind that perhaps might not be so romantic in reality, but so long as it stays in our head/heart, we can keep it as whimsical as we want.

When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
i have actually accomplished many things that i have dreamed i would do. there are still many life goals that i would like to achieve, but overall, i'm quite content with my life experience.

What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
i would like to re-imprint on the heart of humanity the radical truth of God's love for all.

If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
without a doubt, singing, playing the piano, performing for others and bringing them joy.

Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
i am blessed and fortunate to have the best career in the world - i do what i love for the One i love.

If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
i would love more, travel more, eat more, write more, sing more, perform more, experience more.

To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
again, if i'm being honest, to some extent my life's course and choices have been determined by the supposed expectations of others of me. i feel as though this certain action or decision is expected of me, and whether or not that is true, i change my life because of it. this has affected me both in positive and negative ways.

Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
a little of both; i'm shamefaced to admit perhaps a teensy bit more the former than the latter. ah, harsh self-reflection is key to self-improvement.

You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?
i would tactfully challenge their criticism, bringing up contrary evidences of my friend's character and contradicting facts i know to be untrue.

If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
take responsibility for your life -- discover what you love and who you want to be, and then do the things you must in order to achieve your dreams. be not afraid to live life to the fullest, and don't let anyone tell you that you cannot.

Would you break the law to save a loved one?
without question.

Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
modern art.

What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
i often put others before myself to my own detriment.

How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
because we are all unique human beings, with our own interests and desires. but i earnestly believe that at the core of all beauty, all joy, all delight is a tugging towards God, who calls us all to himself as the true source of happiness.

What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?
skydiving. i simply haven't gone yet. and get a tattoo. because i feel i'll be judged.

Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
without a doubt; hundreds of things, most assuredly.

If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
state: north carolina, because i adore the four seasons, the purple mountain ranges, the quality of life, and the crisp mountain air.
country: italy; because my heart feels at home there.

Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
no, but i hope that it makes the doors close faster, so that no one else will get on, so i can avoid that awkward sharing of space that is the elevator ride, and also then i won't make additional stops so ultimately, yes it does make the ride faster in fact...

Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
a worried genius, because i could grow in becoming more at peace, and at least i would hopefully leave the world a better place than when i found it.

Why are you, you?
because the world is in need of me, because i am beautiful and bring beauty to those around me, because i have a heart full of love ready to flow over to those in my life.

Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
yes.

Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
when a good friend moves away -- you always have the ability to reconnect no matter where a friend is, but it is infinitely more difficult once they live elsewhere and meet new people.

What are you most grateful for?
my faith, the fact that i know i am loved and worthwhile, my husband and son, my family, my musical ability, the fact that i was born a free american with the world before me.

Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
at this point in my life, i'd rather lose all my old memories and be able to more forward with my loved ones and create new and exciting memories, so long as i remembered who the people are in my life.

Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
yes, but refinement and understanding come through challenge.

Has your greatest fear ever come true?
no -- i have never felt utterly alone and unwanted.

Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
that was actually a crucial point in my relationship with my now-husband. it was wretched to endure at the time, but it made us a stronger, more open and honest, and more real couple.

What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
i was blessed to have a childhood that was mostly happy and special. but the one that comes to mind is eating a banana split for the first time with my father while at an out-of-town swim meet, just the two of us. i knew he loved me so much and always stood by me. i'm so grateful.

At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
during a recent singing performance. i relished being on stage in front of 600 people, connecting with them via song and touching them on a deep spiritual level.

If not now, then when?
when i am more brave.

If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
my pride.

Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
yes, my husband.

Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
because when you believe something passionately and would do anything to spread that faith to others, sometimes you have to fight for what you know to be true and good and right.

Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
yes, if you are a person of faith, morality, and good conscience.

If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
not necessarily -- i would expand it and change it.

Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
more work i enjoy doing, like recording, writing music, performing.

Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
oh my goodness, yes. such is life with a small child in tow.

When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
a year ago, when i decided to compose a full mass setting without any idea how to begin or what to do with it or whether it would be well-received or utilized.

If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
my family.

Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
no.

What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
passion.

When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
when you know in your gut that it's true and good. you may still be nervous and afraid, but your heart knows what to do and will guide you.

If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
we fear judgment, condemnation, and ridicule.

What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
ask all the questions i think to myself. and sing more loudly and frequently.

When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
this morning while out on my morning jog, in between songs.

What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
music -- my entire life expresses that love.

In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?
i will remember doing my best to make my home a happy place for my son and husband. i will remember exerting myself to ensure that people's funerals and weddings are memorable and beautiful. i will remember taking pregnancy tests and feeling hopeful.

Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?
i am learning slowly to make them for myself without fear of judgment or making mistakes or letting people down. i am learning who i am and how to be me more fully and perfectly, please God.

photo credits:
1) justCRONO via flikr Creative Commons
2) http://www.sodahead.com/fun/do-you-have-something-to-hug-to-sleep-or-do-you-need-to/question-1411435/?page=4&link=ibaf&imgurl=http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lboaz48ydG1qbcgae.jpg&q=hug%2Bmyself

some music for your monday

2011-05-23T13:47:00.001-04:00

no, not my original music... but pretty awesome none-the-less.

today is my "day off." since i work a lot of weekends doing the music thing (SO happy i get to have a career doing something i adore that blesses people too), i find that weekends tend not to be relaxing for me. and then i have a full time job watching the kiddo.

so mondays have become my official day to relax and unwind. i spend matthew's naptime lounging and bath-tubbing and reading... sometimes... other times, even though i know this is supposed to be my day off, i sneak in some work before i catch myself and force myself to sit down and drink a cup of tea with a good book.

so today, i wanted to share two songs with you by some terrific musicians. i discovered these songs in our choose christ hymnal, the one we use for the teen mass at my church. i lead the music, so i often discover golden nugget songs that really hit my heart in all the right and needed places.

these are two such musical treats.

this first one is by tom booth, and it's called you stand knocking. per his introduction, it's a meditation on the divine mercy (ah, SO good). it's truly a powerful song.

You Stand Knocking

this second one is by charlie hall, performed by chris tomlins. we actually just sang this for the final teen mass of the year. if you went to mass this sunday, you heard the second reading from i peter which proclaimed:
You are “a chosen race, a royal priesthood,
a holy nation, a people of his own,
so that you may announce the praises” of him
who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

this song echoes that last line. it's called marvelous light. enjoy.

marvelous light

photo credit to fotolia - http://de.fotolia.com/id/5643987

literature of my soul

2011-05-19T14:59:00.001-04:00

every few years, i re-read the joy of full surrender by father jean-pierre de caussade.

i cannot adequately express how essential this book is to my spiritual life.

it--or rather the lessons and truths contained within-- has carried me through darkness into the lord's marvelous light. it has encouraged me to let go, to let God. it has opened my eyes to a better way of life, a richer, more fulfilled, more peaceful one.

i have started it anew, as i always do when the clouds of anxiety and self-doubt and stress begin to descend around me, threatening to wrench away the peace in my heart.

i work very hard for the peace. it does not come easily for me, nor does maintaining absolute trust in God, in his plan for my life, in his perfect timing and divine care.

this book helps so much, coupled with the daily meditations of God calling.

take today's word for example:
rest knowing all is so safe in My hands. rest is trust. ceaseless activity is distrust. ...
how foolish are your attempts to save yourself, one hand on the rope, and one making efforts to swim ashore. you may relinquish your hold of the rope and hinder the rescuer...
the final stage [is] when the saved soul trusts Me so entirely it seeks no more its own way, but leaves all future plans to Me its rescuer.

i earnestly desire that level of peace, of surrender, of trust. i long for the day that i can wake up and say with all my heart, today is yours, Lord. guide me through it as You will.

i say it now, but half-heartedly. i offer my day to Him, then go about my ceaseless activity, bouncing from one project to the next at breakneck speed, without giving Him the chance to break through the noise.

so in this moment, Lord, i stop. i breathe. i quiet myself.

i look for You. because all it takes is one glance, and my heart is captivated.

help me to be still and know that You are God, in control and in perfect awareness of my needs, desires, and capacities.

the first chapter of the joy of full surrender is titled: holiness is faithfulness to God's will.

Lord, you do not demand success, but ask for effort.

today, i will try to listen, to be faithful, and to surrender more perfectly to Your will.

photo credit: taken from http://h3sean.com/relationship-surrender/

1 corinthians 9:24-27

2011-05-18T16:09:00.003-04:00

last week, i started running for the first time in two years.

for me, this was a tremendous accomplishment.

pre-2005, i was a hardcore exerciser, both as a means to stay in shape and fit, but also as a method of releasing stress and tension. i enjoyed the victory over my body that a good run provided. i relished having that control over myself.

then in 2005, i injured my knee and since then, exercise has been a tricky and inconstant obstacle course for me. i was no longer able to run consistently, and my knee would begin to moan and groan at the mere thought of the gym. it pained my heart in no small way, both because i longed for those sweet endorphins to course through my veins, but also because of my struggle with food and with my appearance. i hated having that power to burn my calories taken away from me. (this is a story for another time. today is about victories).

but last week, after much encouragement from my husband, I decided to give running another try.

here's another thing about me - i find it extremely difficult to start slow. i have many times re-injured myself because i have to go just a little faster than i should, i have to go a little longer than is wise, just because i'm a stubborn perfectionist who can't stand to start at the beginning. sometimes i'd rather just not do something than risk doing it poorly or waste time doing it slowly.

but the lord somehow got through this time and gave me the grace to go slow, to ease into it again, to be humble and take care of my body.

i am now at a week-and-a-half of getting up at the break of dawn (read 6:45am) -- which is its own miraculous occasion. i think my husband is more astounded that i drag myself out of bed at that extreme hour than the fact that i then put on my sneakers and run outside for 20 minutes. i love to sleep. i might adore sleep, on the same level as ice cream. i'm not kidding - my sleep is extremely precious to me. after all, i run around after a two year old all day. i can't afford to lose any energy.

but i'm doing it. i'm sacrificing a few minutes of precious sleep so to kick myself back into shape. i feel so much better, more healthy, more awake in the morning. by mid-afternoon, i'm raring for a nap, but i'm sure that will get better.

but the point is that i started. even though it's a mere 20 minutes (if even). even if i trod along at the pace of a tortoise. even if my knee every so often moans and groans, just to remind me he's there and not happy about this. i'm doing it. i stopped saying, "i should..." and instead i got up and did.

and boy does it feel good.

what are you not doing that you wish you were? GO GET STARTED! life is too short to wait or doubt.

from the desk of jim carrey

2011-05-15T22:20:00.002-04:00

something to ponder as we begin a new week:

"i hope everybody could get rich and famous and will have everything they ever dreamed of,

so they will know that it's not the answer."

+ jim carrey

to know Jesus and experience his love is the only answer.

nothing else matters.

heart prayer

2011-05-13T12:41:00.001-04:00

i give you the best of me,

i give you the worst of me,

my self, in my entirely;

my strengths and my faults,

holding nothing back.

your self in me makes up all that i lack.

give the strength, lord, and the grace

in everything only to seek your face.

my single ambition - lord, help me be true-

to be less of me

and more of you.

gonna be alright

2011-05-10T20:21:00.002-04:00

i was going to write about something deep and profound. then i by chance encountered these quotes by bob marley. i'm gonna let him do some talking. enjoy this beautiful wisdom.

+++

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself.

Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again.

Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you.

You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."

+++

"He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break.

Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you."

+++

"Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you're living?"

+++

"Don't worry about a thing, every little thing is gonna be alright"

escape

2011-05-09T20:54:00.001-04:00

sometimes, you just need to get away from life, from normalcy, from the usual.

thank God for my wonderful mother, who gave me the opportunity to escape.

thank God for my loving husband, who gave me a reason to escape.

thank God for my awesome kiddo, who gave me a reason to come back.

i got to get away from my usual routine of busyness and chaos for 2 blissful days. it was wonderful.

confession time: i have a very difficult time relaxing (i chronicled my sometimes self-destructive perfectionism here and here). it's incredibly challenging for me to just sit and do nothing, think about nothing, just letting go of the urge to do.

frankly, it's exhausting and i'm tired of it, but i don't know how to change.

i described it to a friend in the following manner: i feel as though i live my life with a vast ocean inside my being. whenever that ocean is calm and peaceful, i feel calm and peaceful. even if i'm tremendously busy and active, if my ocean is at rest, i can find peace in the midst of the chaos.

if, however, that inner ocean is chaotic itself, then even if i try to sit and be still, i cannot, because my inner place is tumbling and roaring and swirling and twirling. i can't just relax because i feel agitated inside, ergo my ability to be at peace is already compromised.

i spend the majority of my days, i find, with a turbulent ocean in my heart. thought after thought tumbles through my head, idea after idea takes hold of my creativity. it's not entirely bad, but i never feel as though my day is done. i feel i power full throttle from one project to the next, never feeling as though my work is done. there is never quite enough time to do everything i want to do.

it's actually in the moments that i try to sit and be still that i really feel that ocean tossing and turning in my spirit. at times it's quite tangible, the storm in my heart, motivating me, spurring me on to the next thing to be accomplished. i feel driven by a compulsion inside me, and i hold on for dear life as i move from one thing to the next.

i'm exhausted just reading this. it's just not a healthy way to live life.

so i decided to slow down for a weekend. i pressed the gigantic pause button and declared, "world, you must take care of yourself for a few days. i'm going off duty, and i trust you'll still be here when i return."

it sounds melodramatic, but occasionally i honestly believe that if i don't take charge of something and complete it on my own (because clearly asking for help is weakness and if i let someone help me i run the risk of the project not being done well so i should just do it myself...), the world will not be as good as it should be.

and that's not only a lie, but it's self-destructive, because no one can just keep going.

no one can bear the weight of the world alone. no one can be responsible for it all.

except of course for Jesus. but He's on His own level entirely.

so i forced myself to relax and get away for a while, leaving the cares and worries behind, focusing on my husband and our relationship and having fun together.

and you know what, the world was still here. my problems and stresses and responsibilities and jobs were still here. but i was able to forget about them for a while and be refreshed, invigorated for a fresh round.

it was wonderful and i can't wait to escape again. after a few times away, maybe i'll bring back a bit of the peaceful ocean with me. little by little, i'll integrate relaxation and quiet and rest into my normalcy.

what a wonderful world it would be...

for my next trick, i will open my heart even more.

2011-05-06T20:49:00.001-04:00

i have written in the past about my parents' wonderful prayer group that they have weekly in their home (see here and here). they have been hosting these meetings for the past 24 years, nearly the totality of my existence. it is such a sacrifice of love on their part. i know they benefit tremendously from it, but i know too that it is countless hours of work and preparation. i can only pray that i too will be so hospitable, so open to the lord's call to service and ministry.

last night, i was at prayer group. of late, it's been challenging for me to be there, i don't exactly know why. i have my suspicions, but i haven't been able to pinpoint the exact reason i've not felt 100% engaged.

last night, the message resounded deep in my heart, and surprisingly stirred up feelings of frustration and anger towards the lord. it was unexpected and unpleasant, and afterwards, i went home and cried on my husband's shoulder for half an hour.

the message itself was not cause for agony. in fact the message was poignant and beautiful. the lord whispered to my heart, and i proclaimed the message to all, saying,

do not be afraid to come empty.
do not be afraid to come weak, ashamed, or guilty.
do not be afraid to come with nothing to offer me.
your "yes" is all I ever wanted.

i felt called to expand a bit on the message from the lord with some of my own meditations. it is incredible to think that the lord in his infinite majesty chose to create the loveliness of the universe, the expanse of the skies and the oceans, and then in his wisdom, he created man and gave him free will. he created us with the capacity to say yes or no to him. when we say no, it causes the lord intense suffering, because all that he has done has been out of greatest love for us. but when we say yes freely, it gives the greatest glory and joy to the lord. it is a moment of incredible victory over satan, every time we say yes to God. because sometimes, it's just hard. but we make that choice anyways.

this is where the message got really difficult for me to hear and process.

in my weakness, i sometimes get really angry with God.

i find myself surrounded with beautiful women who are enjoying their pregnancies, and in my weak moments, i find myself frustrated with the lord, that he chose me to lose mine. that he allowed me to suffer this loss.

i get angry with him. after all, i've been a good and faithful servant. i have loved him well. why then did i have to suffer, lord?

and then i remember Jesus carrying his cross to calvary. i remember how he embraced his cross of ultimate suffering. i echo the sentiment of st. teresa of avila: "lord, if this is how you treat your friends, it's no wonder you have so few."

and i realize why the lord chose me. it's because he trusted that i would continue to give him glory in the midst of this pain. he trusted me, that i would not allow satan to have victory and bring me to despair. he believed in me, that i would continue to testify to his great goodness and mercy.

sometimes, i wish he didn't trust me so much. but he was right.

every day, it is a choice i must make - to embrace this cross the lord has allowed me to carry. it is the choice to rejoice with my friends in their pregnancies. it is the choice to proclaim blessed be the name of the lord when everything in me feels the opposite. it is the choice to speak of the lord's tremendous love and mercy, when i feel so empty inside.

but i know it is his love and mercy that carries me. i trust that his strength sustains me, even though i feel nothing. he is the ground beneath my feet. he is the peace that steadies my heart. he is the rock i cling to in the storm. he is the quiet that comes after the tears.

he is the new dawn after the dark night. he is love.

and so, my lord, i come empty. i come weak. i come with nothing.

i say yes, because i know there's nothing else i can say that will bring peace.
i come, because there's nowhere else i can turn for grace and strength.

i don't understand. but i trust, i embrace, i believe.

fill my emptiness.

we all scream for ice cream

2011-05-04T22:06:00.002-04:00

i adore ice cream.

to me, there's no better way to complete a meal perfectly.

it's cool. it's refreshing. it's creamy and oh-so-delicious - simply the perfect end to a day.

i was talking to my friend viktorija the other day, singing the praises of ice cream, and she remarked that she had never heard anyone speak of ice cream with such enthusiasm and fervor, and that i would probably write on here about it. so viktorija, this is for you.

as i'm sure many women have, i spent the better part of my life thus far stressing about food and counting calories and robbing myself of any genuine enjoyment of my food. i hated every second of it, and i never, ever want to feel that again.

i spent a large chunk of high school hating how i looked, hating parts of myself, hating every bite i took.

i never want to feel that again.

i want to embrace the me that the lord saw fit to create. i want to embrace all of me, even the parts that bridget jones so aptly titled, "the jiggly bits." i want to love myself and see myself as the lord does.

and i want to eat my ice cream decadently out of a brandy snifter, simply for the joy of it.

and i want to love every second of it.

because for too long, i didn't. for too long i didn't allow myself to take any pleasure in it.

so every bite i now take of ice cream is a reminder that i am fearfully and wonderfully made, just the way i am. it is a reminder that God made me beautiful and i ought be grateful for my flaws and my perfections. it is a reminder that food ought be relished and embraced as a joy in life.

and boy, do i relish it.

thank you, lord, for bringing me out of the darkness into your most marvelous light.
thank you that i no longer walk through the valley of the shadow of self-hatred.
thank you that in you, i am free.

photo credit: http://www.realsimple.com/food-recipes/recipe-collections-favorites/desserts/homemade-ice-cream-recipes-10000001626889/index.html

one of the great things about having a kid...

2011-05-03T20:28:00.002-04:00

is having a ready-made excuse for a vast assortment of situations.

need to get out of going to party you don't really want to attend? can't find a sitter for the kiddo.

need to leave a party early? the kiddo needs his nap.

you forgot that you left your kiddo's sippie cup in a bag with all the library books? whoops.

i went to the library all set to blame this error in judgment on matthew. i know it's terrible, but i have a tough time accepting that i have made a mistake, and it's just easier to place the blame on the kiddo, knowing that the consequences will be vastly less once the offended party knows that he's just a little one.

but as i arrived, i searched my heart and discovered i was incapable of placing the blame on matthew, even though he would have blissfully and obliviously endured the stigma of being the one who wet the books.

i have come to the realization that even though you may consider yourself to be all grown up and adult-ish, the looming event of having to fess up and admit you did something wrong or caused something awful to occur is really hard.

i hate having to admit i made a mistake. i hate having to take responsibility for an error, and would much rather pretend it never happened, or hope no one noticed.

as a parent, this is actually one of my big goals: i want to teach my children to take responsibility. i want them to be independent and make their own decisions, and then deal with the consequences, whether good or bad.

i grew up in a sheltered home. my parents were generous and took excellent care of my siblings and i, and always made sure we had everything we needed. but i feel that because i was so sheltered, my parents were much more willing to share in the consequences of my actions, to step in and save me when i floundered.

i was tremendously grateful at the time, but i now feel a little less able to embrace life, make important decisions with confidence, and accept that good or bad consequences may follow. i am a little more reliant on the opinions and advice of others, and i know this contributes to my need to please and to meet expection (for more on this, read this blog post).

so my goal as a parent is to empower my children: hopefully give them wisdom to make proper decisions, and courage to face the consequences like a man (or a woman).

but that still leaves me, sometimes wanting to run and hide from bad consequences (or hide behind my own child). not very grown up or courageous, really.

i was talking to my dear friend viktorija today about an earlier blog post, and she asked to what conclusion had i arrived at the end of the post. i realized that sometimes you don't have the answer yet. i often get the answer when i least expect it and most need it.

so i don't know what the answer to this is yet, either. but i have an idea what my husband jonathan would say: he would say that i just need to do it. i need to make decisions with confidence and then deal with consequences as they arise. practice makes perfect.

ah, but can't i just be perfect from the get-go? no? darn it.

alright, i accept that flawed decisions will probably be made tomorrow. i will do my best to avoid them, but will put on my grown up face as best i can and deal with the circumstances. i will try not to blame my kid for everything.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can, and wisdom to know the difference.

ever feel empty inside?

2011-05-02T16:02:00.001-04:00

i was pondering what to write for my blog post today, and nothing leapt to mind, no words jumped to my fingers to be put down on my screen.

not a good feeling. i hate feeling empty, feeling i have nothing to accomplish, nothing to contribute.

the majority of my life has been spent accomplishing, achieving, all at the supposed expectation of "someone." i was talking to my husband jonathan the other day, and he asked me, "just who are you afraid of disappointing? who expects so much from you?" and all i could say was, "i don't know... they!" that ever-elusive they will be disappointed in me if i fail.

i've always felt someone expected something great of me. i always thought i would be known someday for achieving something extraordinary and new. i've based a great deal of my own self-worth and identity on the premise that i am what i do.

i don't know if you read the lyrics i posted a few days back, but i'm currently working on a song titled empty. and in writing it, i came to this realization, that what i do is not who i am. what is expected of me does not define me. my success is not my identity.

even writing the words feels like a lie sometimes. i have for so long desired to please, to impress, that i have a difficult time defining myself apart from my accomplishment: i am a singer. i am a pianist. i get straight a's. i...

but that's not who i am, and of late, i've craved being known. i want someone to understand me, the inner workings of my being, the reason why i am how i am. it goes being looking at my resume, and moves into a real understanding of me. i think this is where real love begins: it moves past the obvious, the facade of accomplishment, into the depth of a soul.

it requires an unveiling of my heart. it requires an honest revelation of my self, my weakness, my fear, my insecurity, but also my passion, my interest, my joie de vivre. just me, bare and open for revelation.

i tend to guard my heart, veil my emotions, and shield my thoughts. especially in going through my miscarriage, in trying to shield others from my pain, from having to endure the awkward consolations, i instead constructed a huge tower of strength and took up residence inside. i showed to the world a face that was strong, brave, doing well, trusting and moving on. i let a few people see the me that was hurting, that was broken, that struggled to understand why.

but i'm realizing more and more that behaving the way people expect of me is in fact keeping the real me locked up in that tower. if i don't show the real me vulnerably and humbly, no one can know me.

and anyways, it's okay to cry and be broken, so long as you embrace the reality that tomorrow the sun will shine again, and healing will come. it's okay to be vulnerable, so long as you don't dwell unhealthily on your weakness. it's okay not to be perfect, to realize that there is so much more to you that what you are capable of doing.

it's okay to just be. and sometimes, it's okay to be empty.

because the lord doesn't care so much about what we bring or about what we do. he wants us to come as we are, even if it's with empty hands. empty hands raised up high and spread wide to glorify his name.

and he'll take us further, deeper into holiness, into his perfection. he sees the real you and me anyways, so we may as well let him in to start refining and purifying.

and it's incredible to know that he thinks i'm special.

me.

in spite of my weakness. in spite of my imperfection. in spite of my failings.

yeah, me.

so whenever i feel empty inside, i remember that he emptied himself of life so that i could be in this moment. i remember that he rose from the dead so that i would never die. you and i are worth everything to the lord.

that makes us special, makes us lovable, makes us worthy.

nothing i can do could ever come close. all i can do, and all he expects, is that i embrace it, that i say yes.

yes, lord. fill my emptiness. make me whole. i love you.

photo by bora (http://bora.deviantart.com/art/reflection-37748096)

composer for hire.

2011-04-29T20:27:00.002-04:00

i wanted to throw something out there: for all you poets, creatives, and all around imaginative types, if you have poems or writings that you always thought would make a most excellent song, but you just don't know how quite to put a melody to them, send them my way.

i've been working on a bunch of different people's lyrics of late, and i find it comes easily to me to make beautiful music from other people's words. you never know what might be born from a collaborative effort.

much love.

new song lyrics - empty

2011-04-28T16:23:00.001-04:00

It never ceases to amaze me, the stack of work-in-progress songs I have just sitting around. Some I feel could be excellent songs, some are meh-okay, and some definitely need a lot of work. But I decided to work on one today, and it's starting to come together. I want to start using this blog as a platform to get your thoughts on songs as part of my creative process. Feel free to comment if you like. I always appreciate the input, especially at this early stage. I hope to have a rough draft of the audio soon.

much love.

Empty

VERSE 1

It’s been a long day.

I look in the mirror, surprised by what I see:

I’m so tired, I’m so empty.

Lord, I’ve got nothing left,

Nothing to give You

But my weakness and my failings.

I’m so tired, I’m so empty.

But I hear You call out my name.

You want me, not what I bring.

CHORUS

Empty I come, empty I stand,

Empty I raise my hands to You.

All that I am, all that I have is Yours.

Please take it all.

I give it to You, humble and small as it may be.

I long to be wholly free, I long to be wholly Yours.

VERSE2

I’m crushed by the pressure

To perform, to excel, to be number one.

I’m so tired, I’m so empty.

The world tells me that this, this is the way

To be happy, to be fulfilled

This can’t be all there is.

I’m so tired, I’m so empty.

But I hear You, tugging my heart

Saying, “Child, you are searching for Me.”

BRIDGE

This world demands perfection

How I look, how I act, it demands I conform

To this idea of what is perfect, what is beautiful.

But it leaves me empty inside. I long for something more.

I long to hear You say, “Beautiful, you are beautiful just as you are.”

So Lord, if you’ll have me,

I will come and be yours,

And You will fill my heart.

prerequisites for sainthood.

2011-04-27T16:09:00.000-04:00

Let nothing disturb you,
Let nothing frighten you,
All things pass away:
God never changes.
Patience obtains all things.
He who has God
Finds he lacks nothing;
God alone suffices.

~St. Teresa of Avila.

Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory,
    my understanding, and my entire will.
All I have and call my own,
Whatever I have or hold, you have given me.
I return it all to you and surrender it wholly
    to be governed by your will.
Give me only your love and your grace
    and I am rich enough and ask for nothing more.

~St.Ignatius, The Spiritual Exercises.

my heart is restless

2011-04-26T15:31:00.006-04:00

The Lord uses all things to teach us. I know this to be true and have seen the evidence of it throughout my life, usually months to years after the fact. We need some distance, some perspective to see exactly how the Lord brought us through a trial, exactly what He was trying to show us.

I am blessed and humbled to say that the Lord has been so merciful to me in regards to healing from my miscarriage. There are so many things that could have gone wrong, that could have been worse. But instead, I emerged from the valley physically unscathed (or at least, so they tell me). I'm tremendously grateful to the Lord that my womb was preserved from further damage.

But my huge cross now is the waiting. Some women have a mountain of healing to climb before they can even fathom getting pregnant again. I have the endless trickle of time to face. I have this tremendous desire to feel life in me. I was so ready, so ecstatic to be with child the first time around, but the Lord in His eternal wisdom chose to bring that life home to Himself. Thanks be to the Lord from who all good things come.

Now that I have mourned, and equally rejoice in having a baby in heaven, I'm just so ready to know I have a little one inside me. I ask our baby in heaven to intercede at the feet of Jesus, to ask that this new pregnancy, whenever the Lord brings it, be healthy and safe. I'm just ready, Lord. Why not now?

And so I wrestle again with the utter lack of control. Just as I was unable to retain the life of my baby in heaven with all my strivings and worryings, I am unable to manufacture life in my womb just because I want it so much. I have to wait for God's time to be now.

But it is so hard to wait. It is so hard to believe that God's timing, His plan is the perfectly best one. I say to Him in prayer, "But Lord, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am healed from my hurt, I am ready to move on and get this next baby's life started."

And still, He asks me to wait. Whether it be this month, or next month, or next year, I have to believe that He will bring the newest member of our family when it truly is the right moment for us. I may think I know what that moment is. But I know that years from now, when I gather my children into my arms and whisper to them how very much I love them, I will look on this moment and realize that yes, God, You DID in fact have it all under control.

Worry accomplishes nothing. Peace achieves all.

menopause, empty nest, and midlife crises

2011-04-25T16:06:00.006-04:00

No, the title of this blog post (thank Jesus) does not refer to me. It refers to the book I just finished reading: The Hunchback of Neiman Marcus by Sonja Sones.

A bit of background: I have a curious method for selecting the occasional new release novel from my library. I peruse the selections available and, contrary to common wisdom, I judge the books by their cover. I look for the cover that leaps off the shelf, provoking my curiosity to delve within the pages. I look for a cover that is unique, provocative, and eye-catching. And that is the book that comes home with me.

On my last visit to the library, Sonja Sones's work came home with me. And it was intriguing, most notably because it chronicles a stage in life that is rather opposite to the one I currently inhabit.

It tells the story of a woman who is a poet, is enduring the full wrath of menopause, is suffering the suspicion of her husband's possible infidelity, and is coming to terms with the concept of an empty nest, as her only daughter prepares to leave home for college.

The thing that grabbed me at first glance, however, is the fact that this novel is written entirely in verse. Now, it's not your average "Roses are red, violets are blue" variety of poetry. It's lovely lyrical rhythm and, let's be honest, who doesn't love the SHORT chapters of a poetry book?

I almost returned Hunchback after noticing that it was in verse. I'm so glad I didn't. It's a thought-provoking read, especially for those of us women who are just getting married and beginning to form our families. It gives us a perspective from the future. The author captures this perfectly in the following image: An older woman recalls being a young mother, playing with her daughter at the park and watching the ducks along the lake, noticing the older grandmas. Now, she herself is the older woman, wistfully longing for her youthful energy and for her daughter to be small again.

As a young mother, I am thankful for the reminder to enjoy my little boy. We sometimes can miss the current stage of life in wistfully wishing either for the future to arrive faster, or for the past to return. The only day we have for certain is the present day. Instead of wishing my boy was a baby again, or longing for the day he is potty-trained, obedient at first command, or eager to eat all types of foods, I need to cherish the level he's at right now. Otherwise, I'll miss it entirely. And these are days, mommies, that we never get back. Your child will never be just like he or she is right now ever again.

Cherish your kiddo. Hold him or her close and love them just as they are.
Love yourself, and be forgiving. You are what you have to work with. Baby steps to perfection, always counting on the Lord's mercy and grace.

And above all, be grateful. You never realize the full extent of the blessings you have until they are gone.

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

loss and healing - life after my miscarriage

2011-04-24T20:29:00.012-04:00

hello world.

I have returned after a sabbatical, and I fear it is to unburden a somewhat broken heart.

But what is this blog for, if not to share my hurt in the hope that someone else's might be eased or made lighter.

For you see, in the last month, I was not pregnant, then pregnant, then not pregnant again. And it hurt like nothing I've experienced. I felt vacant, empty, broken, lost.

It is a small consolation that our family has a honest-to-goodness little saint in heaven waiting for us. We have the distinct honor of having a little wee one waiting in heaven, frolicking at the feet of Jesus, making Him smile and laugh with her antics. Our beautiful Mama Mary, I know, is keeping her eye on our baby, making sure she feels so loved and cherished, and knows how very much she is missed.

I am comforted too by the realization that our beloved little one will never know pain, never feel hunger or suffering. She is in perfect joy and peace, safe in the arms of her eternal Father.

But that leaves me here on earth, feeling empty.

At my worst moments, I feel angry, frustrated, cheated by the Lord. At my lowest point, I feel as though He gave me exactly what my heart longed for, and then took it away. The timing could not have been more perfect, according to my plan. We were so delighted to hear we had a new baby on the way. And then, almost immediately after sharing our news, tragedy struck our family for the first time.

At my better moments, I feel the love of Jesus enfold me tenderly. I feel His presence, and discover in my heart the gift of strength to say, "Not my will but Yours, Lord." It's not okay, and never will be fully okay until heaven, when I can hold my little one in my arms. In the moments I am able to trust, I can see how the Lord had mercy and spared us further suffering - my miscarriage was peaceful and physically non-traumatic. But the emotional wound is deep. As a mother, the loss of a child is unimaginable. You feel your womb ought be the safest place for your child, not the location of their death.

It is appropriate for me that this tragedy took place during Lent, a time when we walk with our Lord to Calvary, remembering His outpouring of love, His embracing of all our hurt and failure. Even though He did not Himself experience the loss of a baby, I find consolation in knowing that He too experienced the loss of beloved ones. He was present with His mother at the death of His earthly father, St. Joseph. I heard recently at Mass that during His lifetime, our Lord experienced every range of hurt and sorrow and suffering, sharing fully in our human experience.

And so I give Him my aching, empty heart. I give Him the parts that need to heal. I rejoice in the signs of His love surrounding me everyday: I treasure my son, Matthew, without whom I probably would have been more depressed. Every time I felt like sobbing, he would do something silly and as I laughed at him, I felt consoled and my heart ached a little less. I treasure my husband, Jonathan, who was exactly what I needed him to be during this time. We shared in this sorrow together, and I love him all the more for having endured this with me. I treasure all of you, my friends and family, who walked with me every step of the way, sharing my cross by offering words of love, prayer, and support.

Jesus was with me through you all. And He was with me when I was alone with my grief. He did not abandon me in my tears, but brought me through the dark night into a new dawn. Jesus, I trust in You. I trust, even when it hurts, even when I'm angry and feel empty, even when I doubt. I choose to trust and embrace Your will for my life and family. I give you my pain. I give you my will, my desire, my plan for life, my control. I know that You are in control, that You know the why, even if I fail to see it.

I choose to trust. I embrace the new life that Easter brings.

And I have a little angel waiting for me in heaven - darling, I can't wait to meet you, kiss you, hold you, play with you. Know that your Mama loves you, if from afar. Know that I pray for you, and pray for us too, baby. I will see you soon.

Buy My CD!

2010-10-13T12:33:00.001-04:00

My new CD is now available for purchase in two mediums!

I know, I know, you say, "Where the heck have you been??? We were about to send out a rescue operation!" Well, I've been in many places, doing many things, but the important one right now is the production of this new and professional CD!

I'm truly excited about and happy with this new CD. It's been a work in progress for a while now. Some of the songs will be familiar, but will be updated. My last CD was recorded just after high school, so I've grown a lot musically since then. This CD also includes a bonus recording of Franz Schubert's Ave Maria, a classic and beloved favorite.

If you are old school and like to have a physical copy of CDs, you can visit my sales page at kunaki.com here. Kunaki is a great company that I have used to professionally produce this new CD. You'll have it delivered to you promptly.

If you just want the mp3 files for your music player, you can purchase the entire CD or any songs you like on iTunes. Just search gabriela frei and you'll find me!

The entire playlist is as follows:
1+ Fiat
2+ Present Moment
3+ Transfigure
4+ He Is Come (my Christmas song)
5+ Surrender
6+ Let Me Live (my prolife song)
7+ Leap of Faith (brand new recording!)
8+ What Love is This/Peace In Jesus (brand new recording!)
9+ Love Song (brand new recording!)
Bonus+ Ave Maria (Schubert)

I am blessed to be able to share with you a piece of my heart through this album, a glimpse into my spiritual journey with the Lord. I pray it is a blessing for you as well. If you decide to purchase one, thank you with all my heart. I am honored and grateful.

All glory be to God, forever and ever Amen.

Encouragement

2010-08-27T15:01:00.002-04:00

I am the type of person, that when you tell me I can't do something, I say, watch me.

And then I usually proceed to bend over backwards, half out of determination, half out of obstinance, to accomplish said impossible task.

Sometimes my stubbornness gets the better of me, and I wind up regretting that I set out to prove myself. Other times, I look at my results and say, check it out, world. I SO rocked that accomplishment. Who says I can't do it?

I find that I am irritated and insulted when someone tells me that they in fact know me better than I know myself, and they are certain I would fail at a certain goal. This especially gets under my skin when the offender is someone close to me, whom I respect and love, and whose affirmation and belief in me I desire very much.

I don't know if you struggle with this same thing. I am feeling somewhat discouraged and annoyed, but I want you to know that I believe in you. Whatever your goal may be, the only thing keeping you from accomplishing it is yourself. If there is something you want to attempt, you figure out what you need to do in order to accomplish it, and you go for it.

Don't ever doubt yourself. You may in the end find that something is honestly and objectively beyond your capacity, but you will be proud of your effort if it was honestly all that you could give. And that is always something to be proud of.

Don't let anyone tell you that you are not good enough, that you are weak, that you are incapable. God has created you with incredible gifts, with limitless potential, if only you will believe in yourself.

So go and do something you never thought possible. Believe in yourself. Believe in the One that made you who you are, because you are fearfully, awesomely, wonderfully made, with a purpose, to do greater things than anyone could ever imagine.

Need to Focus & Surrender (+ more new music stuff!)

2010-08-17T14:09:00.000-04:00

I've been working on a music project for the past couple of weeks (hence, the sporadic blog posts). Not quite ready to announce what it is just yet (SOON I PROMISE), but I was reminded once again of how all my music is and must be Christ-centered. I was feeling rather frustrated in my efforts. Things were good, and maybe even really good, but they weren't right or perfect or just so.

I couldn't figure out why I wasn't having the success that I thought I should be having. After all, I was trying my best to get it done. And then I realized that, with all my effort, I had forgotten to seek the Lord, to ask for His blessing and seek His guidance in accomplishing what is after all something devoted to His praise and glory.

It's so easy to forget sometimes the simple act of placing ourselves solidly in His hands, truly surrendering all our actions to His holy will. Even though the thing I was trying to do was something for His glory, I had forgotten to pray for His guidance, so that what eventually was accomplished would be according to His plan.

Lord Jesus, help me never to forget You. You have been so good and so gracious to me, that sometimes, because things are good, I forget to thank You, and I forget to ask for Your direction. You are my strength. You are my truth. You are the reason things are so blessed. You are all that matters. Please give me that grace never to forget You, even for just a second. I want You always to be front and center, the first one I think of when I wake and the last Name on my lips when I go to sleep. You are my everything. Amen.

Music Website Update
New videos are up on my website as well as new audio. There's a new video featuring the song "You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)" by Josh Groban - this is one of my favorite songs of his (See it here). Also I've added a 3rd audio playlist, featuring praise and worship anthems (the 1st player is all original songs of mine, and the 2nd is wedding specific). God bless you and to Him be all the glory.

Longing for More (+ More Music Videos!)

2010-08-11T13:49:00.003-04:00

I got to see one of my favorite priests in the world today, as well as benefit from his extensive wisdom and beautiful sermons. He is the pastor of one of the local churches for which I provide music for funerals. It never ceases to amaze me how beautifully and perfectly he captures the fragility of our existence, and yet our profound tie to eternity, to God. Thank God for him and all the work he does for the glory of God.

His sermon today focused on the fact that we are made for more than this earth can offer. He made the observation that no longing or desire exists without an objective and logical satisfaction for that urge. For example, man feels the desire for food, and such a thing as food exists. A duck has the inclination to swim, and there exists such a thing as water. Birds have the tendency to fly south for the winter, and there exists such a thing as air to hold them up.

In the same way, as St. Augustine puts it, our hearts are restless, ever searching for something higher, greater, more perfect. Our hearts long for that Higher Being, and there exists a God who created us to love Him and only Him. He does not leave us in the absurd position of desiring the impossible. Rather, He places within our hearts a need for Him, and waits with open arms for us to find our way to Him. He alone is the satisfaction we seek, the answer to our deepest questions, the fulfillment of our most basic desire: our desire to live. He is Life, He is Love, He is God.

I'm so grateful to be alive. I'm so grateful for life, for blessings big and small, for unexpected grace and unplanned hope. God is so good and merciful. Never forget to be grateful to be alive, and to tell the people in your life how very much you love them. For you don't know the day or hour when God will call you or someone you love home. Don't miss a chance to tell them how much they mean to you.

On a music note, I'm happy to announce that I have a few more new videos up on my website, as well as new audio in my song players. I hope you enjoy them all.

+ Shout To The Lord Video - a note about this one, I actually composed a second verse for this song specifically for weddings. This is another of my all-time favorites.

+ Breathe - Another powerful praise and worship anthem, very dear to my heart.

Check back soon to www.gabrielafrei.com as I'll be adding new audio tracks as well as announcing some cool news.

To God be the glory.

From This Day Forward and TWO NEW MUSIC VIDEOS

2010-08-02T22:11:00.000-04:00

I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.

I love weddings. More than that, I love singing for weddings. I can't tell you how my heart simply exults to see a man and a woman stand before God, before family and friends, and profess to all how very much they are in love with and committed to each other.

I remember my own wedding, the excited flurry of preparation, the nervous waiting in the rear of the church, the timid glance up the aisle to meet the eye of my beloved. Ah, to live that day again and again... well, thank goodness for 2000 photographs and 8 hours of videotape to help jog my memory!

I had the blessing on Saturday past to sing for a wedding in a town not too far from my own here in Florida. The church was simply stunning. There was a gorgeous mural of Christ offering His Heart in love to the world towering over the altar.

He remains there in open invitation, beckoning all to come as they are, and leave better, stronger (to quote Glenn Beck). I fell in love all over again.

And then weeks of preparation and practice came to fruition. 20 minutes of prelude and 3 processional hymns later, the bride and groom stood before the altar of God and confessed to the world that yes, they had fallen deeply in love, enough to say "forever" to each other. Enough to profess in holy sacrament that through God's grace, they'd stand together through sickness, health, wealth, poverty, even monotony and especially child-raising (an arduous task, believe me!).

It makes my heart revel in the beauty of love, of life, of finding that person who makes your heart beat a little faster. As Emily Bronte put it, "Whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same."

I have the best job in the world. I get to be there, somewhat behind the scenes, a fly on the wall observing the happiest day of your life. Sometimes I know you, sometimes I don't, but I'm always tremendously happy and excited for you to begin this wonderful new chapter, this journey of companionship, growth, and deepened love.

Sam Keene puts it aptly: "We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." Perfectly, as in through the eyes of the only Perfect One, the Lord, who alone loves us fully and without our deserving it.

We must follow His example and look at our loved one not with rose-colored glasses, but with eyes wide open, a gaze purified by love and refined by grace, able to see past the imperfection, to the beauty within (and if you're lucky, without!).

I wanted to share with you two songs (and hopefully, more as I finish editing them) from this wedding. I hope you enjoy hearing something a little different from me, namely, praise and worship songs as opposed to my originals.

Here are Blessed Be Your Name and How Great Is Our God. Click on the name to link through to my videos. Enjoy!!

To God be the glory.

New Song: Come (A Prayer of Hope)

2010-07-27T14:08:00.001-04:00

I'm happy to introduce my newest song here to you all: Come (A Prayer of Hope).

This is a rough, live cut of the song from a funeral I sang for today. Hence the random looking over to my right. I was making sure that I kept the song to an appropriate length to cover Communion.

I wrote this song specifically for funerals, to be a song of consolation, of encouragement, of return to the Lord. Through His love and strength alone do we conquer adversity and emerge from trial.

I welcome your thoughts. It's a brand new song, still "under construction." This is actually a short version, as there were only a few people at this funeral. I hope you enjoy it. I also have a brand new audio recording on my website of "Lord, When You Came To The Seashore." Listen here.

Lyrics:

Come (A Prayer Of Hope)
June 25, 2010

~*verse one*~
There is no pain He has not felt,
No sadness He doesn’t know; He holds all your tears in His hand.
Your cross, He carries with you, the heavy load you bear.
Give it all to Him. Give it all to Him. Give it all to Him:
You do not walk alone.

~*chorus*~
Come to Him, you who labor and are tired.
Come to Him, you with sorrows you can’t bear.
Come into His presence, feel His tender love.
Come, His love will carry you.

~*bridge*~
He lifts us from the flood that threatens us.
He shelters us from the weapons of our foe.
He heals us with His tender touch of mercy.

He loves us more than we could ever know.
He loves us more than we could ever know.
He loves us more than we could ever know.

~*chorus*~
Come to Him. Come to Him.
Come to Him, you who labor and are tired.
Come to Him, you with sorrows you can’t bear.
Come into His presence, feel His love. Come, His love will carry you.

© Gabriela Frei 2010

Watch Me on TV!

2010-07-14T15:47:00.000-04:00

Well, to be honest, you're really watching the Lord Jesus on TV, as this is a televised Mass. But I'm providing the music, which is pretty awesome in my book.

I got the opportunity to share my gift of music with two local parishes as well as with the people in Southwest Florida who suffer the incredible burden of being limited to their homes. The shut-in community is extensive here in this area, as Florida is Retirement Central for much of America. I considered it a real honor to play a role in making the Mass more special for their viewing, even though it is the reception of Our Lord's most precious Body that is the true gift.

I wanted to share that link with you all, just in case you wanted to see me live in action. This particular video is of the Mass from this past Sunday, July 11th, at St. Raphael's Parish in Lehigh Acres, Florida. The pastor, Father Dennis Cooney, actually concelebrated my marriage ceremony in 2008, as well as led a pilgrimage to the Holy Land that my family was so blessed to go on. He is very special to me.

Enjoy!
Click Here to Watch!

how to retain your sanity.

2010-07-13T17:50:00.001-04:00

I've been pondering of late that I really could make better use of my time.

Matthew is now 14 months, and such a precocious little bugger. He's into everything and onto everything and his preferred mode of movement is running full throttle into everything. So I have my hands full 24/7 just keeping up with the Kid.

But in those precious moments of spare time, it's all I can do not to just launch myself onto the nearest couch and enter into full veggie mode.

I've never been much of a TV watcher. My siblings would always rave about the latest TV show that is a "must watch this summer," and I would always be woefully out of touch. Not this summer, baby!

Ok, so maybe I'm still out of touch in regards to the "cool shows," but I still have watched more television in the past 6 months than ever before in my life. And granted, I have needed it for more than one reason.

1) I needed the relaxation from chasing the Chubb.
2) I needed to put my feet up and unplug myself for a while.
3) I needed to hear a voice other than my own, with a vocabulary at least as sophisticated as a junior high student... (although that's sometimes a stretch...)

But I feel as though little by little, I can start to engage my brain cells a bit more and stretch myself intellectually again. Yikes, even the thought is intimidating...

But I am slowly reconnecting with my love of literature, catching up on some quality reading while the Bubbs sleeps. My latest page turner, Catcher in the Rye, was a satisfactory accomplishment that everyone tells me ought to have been read while I was in junior high... ah well, better late than never...

So I ask you all. Doesn't matter if you are a Mommy with bubbas of your own to chase, or a recent (or not so recent) college grad, high school grad, whatever: how do you continue to challenge yourself intellectually now that the summer is upon us, or now that a constant pitter patter of little feet fills the formerly silent air of contemplation?

Even though I am a Mommy, I feel there is no reason I can't continue to grow, to challenge myself, to think and ponder deeper things... I just might have to squeeze it in between Dr. Seuss and diaper changes now.

Thank You All

2010-07-04T20:55:00.003-04:00

I just noticed that my little counter is over 1000 visits.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart for sharing in my life since I started blogging.

I can't express the joy and peace that sharing has brought me.
It's just nice to get some things out, to know that someone out there is reading and perhaps being blessed, either by my joys or struggles.

Hopefully, I've helped you in some small way.

I have definitely been both helped and blessed.

You've watched Matthew grow. You've experienced my learning curve with motherhood.
You've been updated on my music. You've (hopefully) grown through my ministry.

All in all, I'm so very content and grateful you're here.

And I'm keeping up the fighting and running the race, per God's grace and for His glory.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I shall say it again: rejoice!

Your kindness should be known to all. The Lord is near.

Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition,

With thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.

Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

~Philippians 4:4-7

God Bless America

2010-07-04T20:36:00.000-04:00

The Declaration of Independence was signed today.
Read it. Remember it. Guard it with your life.

We are and forever ought to be free and independent,

One nation, under God,with liberty and justice for all,

enshrining life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Happy Independence Day, and may God forever bless America.

IN CONGRESS, JULY 4, 1776

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security...

...We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.

I am proud to be an American.

This is a great land, and her people have done incredible things.

God bless our leaders, that they might have wisdom.

God bless our troops, that they might have strength to keep us safe.

God bless all citizens,

May we never forget who we are, or what our forefathers paid

that we might live, believe, work, study

as a free people.

+amdg+

A Gift? For Me?

2010-07-01T15:52:00.000-04:00

I had an interesting conversation yesterday which, although only lasting but a minute, has left me pondering til now.

I was chatting with a woman I don't know at a mommy group event, and she was commenting on how her daughter (she was a grandmother) was married and soon to give birth to a baby, and how she herself was irritated with her son-in-law.

Being the devotee of love stories and babies that I am, naturally I was curious and conveyed my interest.

She continued to remark on how her son-in-law (foolish man that he was) did not think that he needed to give his wife a "congratulations on bearing my first offspring" present. How dare he. What is he thinking? She is going to all this trouble, and he's not going to reward her on this momentous occasion?

Needless to say, I was surprised at her vehemence. She then went on to account for the absurd (albeit sweet and sentimental) gift that he had bestowed on his wife on their wedding day. He had given her a handkerchief.

Now I must interject my own opinion here: this was not just any old handkerchief. It was delicate and fragile, a work of art (per the grandmother's scornful description), embroidered on one side with her daughter's maiden name and date of birth, and on the opposite with her married name and date of the wedding.

Swoon.

But the grandmother confided both in me, and apparently with her son-in-law as well, that in their family, jewelry was always given as a gift on momentous occasions, and in her opinion, he ought have given her a diamond (even though she had plenty).

Wow.

After my short discussion, or rather, listening session with this austere woman, I was left pondering. What is the nature of gift giving? What should go into such a practice? Are you giving a gift for yourself or really taking into mind the person receiving?

At my university, there was much discussion regarding the 5 Love Languages. They are as follows and I believe self-explanatory:

1) Physical Touch
2) Words of Affirmation
3) Quality Time
4) Acts of Service
5) Gift Giving/Receiving

I can't stress enough how important it is both to know your own love language and that of the person(s) in your life that you love, be it a significant other, friends, or family.

Your love language is how you best receive love, and in turn, the love language of your loved one is how they best receive it.

This post is dealing directly with the issue of giving gifts. Some people are good at giving gifts. Some people are good at receiving them.

I am both. I love to give gifts to people, and honestly enjoy getting things for others. I put thought into each gift, into the likes/dislikes of the person receiving, and I try to make each gift personal and meaningful.

One of the most precious gifts I've ever received was when Jonathan wrote me a song for my birthday while we were still dating. It was sappy and sentimental, and absolutely wonderful and heart-melting. I still remember all the words and hum it occasionally. It makes me smile without fail.

I have a friend who is 1000 times better than I at giving gifts, and she never ceases to amaze me, outdoing herself every time. She never expects anything in return either, and I hope that somehow, all of us are loving her the way she needs to be loved in return.

Otherwise, I can imagine it gets increasingly difficult, giving and giving without receiving anything at all in return.

So I wonder, what is it to give a gift? How much of it ought be telling other people what you want/like, as if life were a gigantic gift registry? How much of it is depending on others to care enough to discover your own love language?

Was it right that this grandmother tell her son-in-law exactly how he should gift his wife, because she knows her daughter? Should he have done a better job in getting to know her desires?

Or is there an element of self-revelation in the gift he chose to give?

I think that we have to be careful in this. There are 3 options I see:

1) You can tell people how you are best loved, and elucidate the things you most would like to receive. Then you must be patient and allow them to take it or leave it...

2) You can simply wait and allow the person to little by little discover how you are loved, trusting they have both the desire to know you at that deep level and the desire to give you what you most want.

3) You can allow the person gifting you to reveal their particular way of loving you through their particular gift. This I think is tricky, because you have to trust that the person won't be lazy or not interested in putting the effort to really love you through their gift.

But I have faith in people that love. I believe that love conquers all.

I believe that a gift from the heart has tremendous value, regardless of what it is.

Then again, diamonds are always a girl's best friends. As are shoes. And chocolate. ;)

+amdg+

Me, Myself, and I

2010-06-29T16:01:00.001-04:00

I have a running conversation going... with myself.

I don't know if it's just me, but I find myself constantly conversing with myself... either with little reminders, comments about my current activities, venting, rejoicing...

I guess I consider myself good company. Better than being annoyed with or trying to avoid me.

I was telling Jonathan about this habit of mine, and he was curious, and kept asking what kind of things would I say? And I couldn't really describe it, as it's more of a stream of consciousness kind of thing.

I find it to be reassuring, calming, and even a little satisfactory. I can tell myself the things that I could never voice aloud to another soul, whether from embarrassment or fear of being judged. I can be honest with myself (for the most part).

Am I alone in this? I hope not. If you can't talk to yourself, how can you honestly expect other people to enjoy your company?

It doesn't help that for the majority of my day, I'm at home with a 13 month year old, who compensates for his lack of vocabulary with volume, enthusiasm, and gesture.

And so I take comfort in the one adult voice and presence that I can depend on 24/7: me. I may not be the most unique, enthralling, or challenging of conversationalists, but I'm all I've got to work with.

Thanks, Lord, for the gift of my own good company. And thanks, too, for always being there Yourself, listening to my crazy ramblings with good humor, and entering so often into my self-conversation.

New Song: Come (A Prayer of Hope)

2010-06-25T22:09:00.000-04:00

Yes, dear readers. You get not one, but two posts today... basically because I'm super excited to announce that I've finally finished a new song!

Wow, has it been a long time since I was able to announce that! The last song I completely finished was back in 2008. Graduation from the university, getting married, having a baby, life just somehow happens in the blink of an eye.

But I knew that in His time, another one would come. I have to admit, I do have 6 or 7 sheets of paper with lyrical works in progress on them... a verse or two here, a chorus and bridge there. Works in progress that I will someday return to, when the winds change and inspiration beckons.

The back story for this new song is unlike any of my others. I wrote it specifically for a funeral. Not for a specific funeral, mind you, but specifically for a funeral.

That has lately been a large part of how I contribute to my little family's financial stability. I play piano and sing for funerals. Dreary, you say? Somber and altogether unpleasant? Ah, but I beg to differ.

I have the distinct and unique privilege of being a fly on the wall on two of the most momentous days in a person's life: their wedding and the funeral of a loved one, be it husband, wife, mother, father. I am very humbled to offer what I can to make these days as beautiful and appropriate as possible.

I in a small way contribute to their joy on their wedding day, and I hope I alleviate a small portion of their sorrow on that funeral day, when they say their earthly farewell to someone well loved.

And so I got to thinking that I would like to write a song of hope, of comfort, and of compassion specifically intended for people in mourning. The Lord knows our every sorrow, and carries our cross with us. He holds every tear in his Hand, and counts them precious. We must give to Him our sorrow, our heavy burdens. We must come to Him with our weariness. Coming into His presence, feeling His tender love, our crosses become a bit easier to shoulder, knowing that we do not walk alone.

For His joy is our strength; His peace is our shelter; His love is our guide. He lifts us from the threatening flood and shields us from the weapons of our foe. His tender touch floods us with mercy and healing. He loves us more than we could ever know.

So we must always come to Him.

I hope to have a recording of this new song done soon. Jonathan always tells me that it's so good to get things done while they are fresh, while you are still riding the wave of excitement and adrenaline that inspiration provides. Thank you all for your love and support.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

+amdg+

Who Am I, Lord?

2010-06-25T14:59:00.001-04:00

I have been meditating, really ruminating, on the Gospel reading from last Sunday. I wrote a bit on my thoughts on the question the Lord presents to us all, asking "Who do you say that I am?"

And then it struck me yesterday that the question must necessarily be reversed, that we must daily come to Jesus and say, "Lord, who do YOU say that I am?"

We cannot look to the world, to our peers, to secular media to define who we are. These means of definition will either fall radically short of the beauty and dignity we possess, or will present us with lies regarding our identities.

Jesus alone can reveal to us who we are, if we are patient and humble enough to endure the revelation. For we are all far from perfect, and must be open to seeing the truth of our weakness and shortcomings, if we would embark with the Lord on the journey of our growing in holiness. Acceptance is the first step, but only the first step of many.

I was thinking about this specifically in regards to the gifts the Lord in His infinite wisdom chooses to bestow. I have been unbelievably blessed with a gift in music. I know others who are blessed with gifts of relating well to others, of communication, of prayer, of wisdom, of knowledge... There is no end to the myriad of gifts the Lord bestows to us His warriors.

And then I fell prey to the temptation to compare myself, and I thought, Lord, I will never be able to do what she does. I will never speak like he does. I could never accomplish...

And then the Lord allowed me to realize something. Firstly, He does not create us empty-handed. Secondly, He creates us with a purpose and a mission.

He does not create us empty-handed. What an encouraging thought, especially in this time of confusion. The Lord has given each and every one of us a powerful and beautiful gift to use for His greater glory and the spreading of His name. That is not a wistful thought or a possibility, but a certainty.

The certainty of our gift results in the responsibility to come to the Lord and discern what our gift is. Then we have not the choice, but the challenge and the call to use that gift we've been generously given to do mighty works for His glory. With great power comes great responsibility.

We must never for a second doubt that we have been given a tremendous gift to be used for His glory. If you question it, you simply have not yet discovered what you have been given. As the priest from my church so succinctly put it, "Have you asked Him yet? No? Why don't you just ask?"

I don't know why I don't ask simple questions of the Lord more often. "Who are You, Lord? Who am I? What have You given me so that I might glorify You?" These simple questions produce simple answers, that in turn find a place in the magnificent tapestry of a life lived in union with the Lord.

You too have a tremendous gift waiting in your arsenal. Don't doubt that, not for a second. Let no one cause you to doubt, or to fear that you have nothing to contribute, nothing to offer. For you are fearfully, wonderfully, perfectly made. He has not created you empty-handed, but sends you into this world armed and ready for battle, prepared to give glory to His name.

Discover what is your gift, then use it without fear. Allow the Lord to guide you, and you cannot go astray.

He has not created us empty-handed. He gives us good gifts, and sends us forth to do His mighty work, to be His light to a world full of darkness.

+amdg+

New Lease on Life

2010-06-23T15:43:00.005-04:00

I'm excited to launch a new template for this lovely blog. It had to be done.

I feel as though every few months, I get this urge to change. Usually it bursts forth in a crazier-than-normal cleaning frenzy, that usually lasts late into the night and produces bags of garbage and/or donations for Goodwill. I call it my need to de-clutter. Definitely not a bad thing (although Jonathan sometimes runs for cover as I break out the 409, Windex, and my hardcore cleaning gloves...).

Well, this time that urge evinces itself in the need for renevatio, or rebirth of this blog into a new creation. So Behold... THE NEW TEMPLATE FOR 3M (that is, Music, Ministry, and Motherhood)!

So refreshing to have something new to look at. Amazing how a simple change can launch a whole new spurt of creativity... still waiting for the spurt... ok, I'll just have to make do with what I've got.

But I do have some creative progress to report: a MUSIC UPDATE at long last!

For the past few weeks, I've been hard at work with a previous un-tackled musical challenge. A gentleman contacted me and asked if I'd consider putting music to some words he'd written. The song was about the Sign of the Cross, and he wanted a light and catchy melody for 5th/6th graders to learn and be able to sing along.

I rose to the occasion and accepted the challenge. I thought to myself, I'm fun, I can do light and catchy... and thus the St. Andrew's project began.

I must say, I'm pleased with the outcome, and as I sat in the St. Andrew's parish office yesterday, observing 3 cute ladies tapping their feet and humming along, I knew that I'd hit a musical home run. The gentleman too was pleased with the musical adaptation of his words (and being a lyrical composer myself, I know that lyrics are like children - you want to give them the best appearance possibility to present to the world). I was grateful that he was happy.

But it was a new and challenging experience to work with someone else's words. I have an organic process for writing music: it involves a flash of divine inspiration, furious scribbling down of lyrics, humming melodies in my head as I write, and then sitting at the piano for a few hours banging out the finished product. It's quite another thing entirely to put a melody to someone else's creation.

But I was excited to try something new, something different. I have my own style of playing the piano and of writing lyrics, and working with Dr. Macedonio's words gave me insight into a different lyrical style. I enjoyed it tremendously.

He was so pleased, he gave me a second set of lyrics to start working on, a Christmas lullaby!

I feel as though I've ascended to a new level of artist - one that involves paid commission work not unlike Michelangelo or Raphael... ah, but I have still so far to climb to reach those heights!

But it's an honor just the same, to be asked to give new life to words, to give them rhythm and movement.

Feel free to listen here, on my music website. On the right side, there's a music player titled "Let It Be Done To Me," and the track is titled "We Love To Sing."

God bless you all, and thank you for your support!

+amdg+

Why Can't You Just Take A Nap????

2010-06-22T17:25:00.001-04:00

Ah, the days when the cub is sick...

It used to be that nothing could ever slow me down. Not sleeplessness, not sickness, not homework, not anything. I was a machine!

And now, God has chosen in His infinite wisdom to bestow upon an automatic "take-a-breather" mechanism: my one year old and his occasionally malfunctioning immune system.

Behold, the days of runny noses and watery eyes and moaning and groaning and gnashing of teeth are upon me! And I'm forced to step outside myself and once again learn to put the needs of another WAY FAR before my own.

I've discovered that it's easy to put the needs of another before your own when you feel the cause is noble and honorable and commendable. I found that I would gladly get up in the middle of the night to feed my baby, because he needed me, because it was fulfilling, because it was good and right. I was proud to serve.

But I've also discovered that when my baby is sniffly and germy and wet and whiny, giving up my own plans and schedule to tend to his needs becomes an heroic effort as opposed to an honor. He's less apt to entertain himself, and more likely to sit at my feet and cry, content only with 100% of my attention.

It's frustrating, when I have a to-do list the length of my arm, schedules to keep to, things to get done...

But I'm coming to see that the Lord is calling me to a change in perspective and in purpose. There will always be things to do. But my little one will be little for such a short time. Soon enough, he won't need me anymore. And then I will look back longingly at this beautiful time when all he wants to do is cuddle his mama, and wonder why I didn't take advantage.

And that applies to life in general. Sometimes, we are so caught up in the tasks, the business, that we lose sight of the present moment, the loveliness of life right now. The Lord is good in giving me reminders to slow down and bask in His goodness now, even if that goodness comes in the form of Matthew fighting off disease like a champion.

All he needs to be happy is my attention. There's really nothing so important, that needs to be done right this second, that justifies my refusal to spend that time with my best guy.

Lord, help me to be patient when it counts. Help me to love when it's hard. Help me to put myself aside when no one is watching. Help me be less of me and more of You. Amen.

A Father is a Wonderful Thing...

2010-06-20T21:13:00.001-04:00

Happy Father's Day! My prayer is that you all are blessed with good and godly men in your lives that are a true example of Christian manliness.

Our fathers can and ought be the first example of bravery, of honor, of trustworthiness. They ought teach their sons how to be men, how to love women properly. They ought inspire their daughters to value themselves and wait patiently for the man who will show them the honor and respect that they deserve.

Our fathers can and ought be a reflection of God our Father. They ought bear witness to Him in their every word and deed. In honoring and loving our fathers, we are better able to enter into relationship with God.

I have been blessed with two wonderful men in my life, whom I celebrate today.

My father is a man of few words, a man of honor and courage, who fights for life daily and gives me a clear example of what it means to trust in the Lord with all my heart.

My husband is a wonderful, godly, and loving man, who never fails to show me how very much I am cherished. He has jumped headfirst into the role of father, at first hesitant and now confident, and makes our son laugh like no one else. I am honored to be his wife and to have the opportunity to love him and be loved by him a little more each day.

These men are an example to me of our Heavenly Father's love. I have truly been blessed by their testimony. I know that some are not so fortunate. Regardless, find that man in your life, whether it be a father, a grandfather, a husband, boyfriend, priest, friend, or even a stranger showing you a random act of kindness, and thank them today. For today is a day to remember those men who have loved us, some with great sacrifice to themselves.

And never forget that even if you have no one to celebrate this Father's Day, you have a loving Father in Heaven that sees your every accomplishment and is proud, catches your every tear in His hand and counts it precious, and longs for the day He will welcome you home with wide open arms.

My father on earth has sacrificed so much that I might become a happy, well-rounded, intelligent, and loving woman of God. My Heavenly Father sent His only Son to die so that I might live. I have so very much to be grateful for.

For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you received a spirit of adoption, through which we cry, "Abba, Father! ~Romans 8:15

Who Are You, Lord?

2010-06-19T22:21:00.000-04:00

This Sunday's Gospel asks such a significant question: "Who do you say that I am?"

Not "Who do your parents, or your peers, or your friends say that I am, but Who do YOU say that I am?"

I feel like this Gospel is a terrific confirmation of my post from yesterday. Not only do I have the inner conviction that I must be ready to proclaim my love and devotion to my Jesus, but now He Himself is asking me who I say He is.

Do I know? Can I answer?

The priest from my church today in his homily said that when people wonder what Jesus is like, he tells them, "Well, have you asked Him?"

And it struck me as profound. The answer to knowing Who Jesus Christ is comes from having that deep and personal relationship with Him. Asking the question, "Who are You, Lord" marks the beginning of a journey walking together. If we ask, He begins to reveal Himself. The more we wonder, the more we come to know.

And the incredible grace is that He longs to reveal Himself. He desires us to know Him. He wants us to fall so deeply in love with Him, so that He can purify that love and make it more like His.

Lord, I want to know You, so that I can answer with confidence when asked Who You are.

"Lord, You are the Christ, the Son of the Living God." Amen.

Passion and Hope

2010-06-18T15:37:00.001-04:00

Ah, life. How you unceasingly fill up with things that take me away from writing.

No matter. Here I am, where I've been all along, pondering, meditating, learning, and growing.

Update: Jonathan, Matthew, and I had a lovely trip to California, celebrated Matthew's 1st birthday in true fashion with family, and really have enjoyed a beautiful couple of months. I will have an update soon on all the music stuff that has developed and been keeping me busy. God is good!

I was at my prayer group last night, and heard a talk that has left me wanting more from my life in regards to spiritual growth. This talk, among other nuggets of gold, emphasized the need to live a life with single-minded purpose and passion, fixated on the Lord and the path He has set before us.

Especially in these turbulent times, we must above all know who we are and what we believe. We will be tested. We might be persecuted. We will be called upon to give testament to the truth. And we must be ready.

I for one have renewed my resolve to be ready. I have renewed my desire to study, to immerse myself in His Word, to run hard after Him. I want to be able to lead others both through my actions and through my words. I want to be able to defend him with faith and with reason. Our faith is at the same time wondrous and sound.

Another nugget of gold from this beautiful talk has stayed with me. I apologize if this post seems somewhat scattered, but I decided better to share a few things that appear unconnected, than not to write at all. This second truth that struck me was the difference between natural hope and supernatural hope.

I have a tendency to expect good things. I think to myself, I am a good person, I strive to do the right thing, I make good choices... ergo I ought be rewarded with goodness in my life! It makes perfect sense in my mind.

And yet, good things don't always happen to good people. Often, terrible things happen to good people, and no reason for them can be found. In these circumstances, we think to ourselves, how could that possibly have happened to such a good person? It's easy to equate bad things happening with bad things done. If I am good enough, this will all turn right again.

But that's unfortunately not how it works. Back to that distinction in hopes: natural hope is the hope that believes, if I do good, good will be done to me. If I believe strongly enough for long enough, my prayer will be answered a resounding yes! If we rely only on this hope, we can often be disappointed and disillusioned, asking, God, why didn't You come through for me? I prayed and I believed and I trusted, but the bad still occurred.

This is where supernatural hope comes in. This is the type of hope that does not disappoint, according to Romans 5. This type of hope is the one that proclaims unceasingly, His will be done above all else. With this hope in our hearts, we can pray and trust and ask, but at the end of the day, we cling to the assurance that what comes to pass is in our best interest according to His will. And that assurance can never disappoint.

With this hope in our hearts, we can only ever be at peace, sweetly surrendered at all times to His will, confident in His provision for all our needs. Oh, how I long for that peace, that trust, that hope.

I want to live my life focused on Him. I want to hope and never be disappointed.

Will you join me?

Easter Prayer

2010-04-21T12:31:00.000-04:00

"Jesus, You are King:

Triumphant Lord and Master of all.

Death could not hold You nor contain You:

You broke its shackle, and You have released us from its curse.

Help us to remember that we are an Easter people,

A Resurrection people, and Alleluia is our cry, our song, our praise to You.

Free us from our graves,

Help us rise from them singing.

Help us to remember this is our time of resurrection too.

This is our new springtime.

You have said, BEHOLD: I do something new.

Help us to claim Your Resurrection.

Help us to go forth, Your empty vessels,

Heads held high, proudly proclaiming to the world:
HE IS RISEN, HE IS RISEN.

For that world unbelieving will mock and scorn, "Where is your God now?"

We cry out in jubilation: He is not in the empty grave.

Roll away the stone, for He is ALIVE. He is here. He is risen."

Forever and ever, world without end, AMEN.

Let This Cup Pass Me By...

2010-04-20T22:16:00.001-04:00

Ever have "one of those days"?

You know the kind I mean... those days when the simplest thing can tinge your day with difficulty, can burden your soul, can reduce you to tears and doubts.

Today was one of those days for me. (I know, I know, reusing blog photos...)

Even though I know that my husband is probably my most consistent reader, having this blog still feels like a confessional, like I'm sending my spirit out into the world like a dove to find dry land. There's a degree of anonymity, of release, of freedom in sharing my humble thoughts with an audience that, regardless of what the truth might be, at least to me seems captive and engrossed in my day-to-day doings and musings.

And so I share with you my weaknesses, my fears, my wee difficulties, in the hopes that you might somehow understand, commiserate, or at least know. Knowing someone out there knows spreads some of the weight around.

I started this blog to chronicle my quest to balance my life as musician, as mother, and as minister. Lately (and by that, I really do mean the past few days), I've been struggling a bit with my role as mother.

Take today for example: Matthew generally takes a solid nap in the mornings, and I count (oh how much do I count!) on having that blissful, blessed time to myself to do the things that I WANT TO DO. Today was no exception: I cheered to myself as the baby went down oh-so-nicely for his nap, and thought to myself: "Ok, I can finally sit down and finish reading that book, well, AFTER I clean up the house, and exercise, and scarf down some lunch, and get those business emails done..."

I'll bet you can tell where this is going... I got done all the things that I HAD TO DO, but when that blissful, special time came for me to relax... I heard a not-so-musical cry from the baby room, and that was the end of that.

I can't tell you how many times that has happened over the last 11 months. But it got to me today. My heart literally sank, and I couldn't shake this feeling of disappointment.

I have to confess, I'm TERRIBLE at relaxing. I always would rather work, work, WORK for an intense hour, get everything done, and then settle in for some quiet, peaceful reading. Problem is, now that I have a wee man on my hands, my time for me shrinks weekly, and my need for it grows exponentially.

I love my lil man, but he is a demanding child who requires (read: commands) much of my attention and energy. It's hard not to feel smothered by a baby who just wants you 24/7 (although he is really cute). As a mother, you are never off duty. And it's definitely wearying.

I can promise you this: it's worth every second. My son is so unbelievably sweet and loving. But it is hard. And some days, I just need to get things out there and out of me. I don't have any answers or deep ponderings or wisdom to offer with this post. But I know I'm not alone. And I know I'm so blessed. And I know, above all, that I love my Matthew with every fiber of my being.

Empty Yet Satisfied

2010-04-07T15:48:00.000-04:00

I read another Steady Mom blog post delving into the beauty of emptiness. Emptiness is a concept that our modern world shuns. And yet, surprise surprise, it is a lifestyle to which our Lord calls us, if we are to be ready to follow Him at a moment's notice (click here to read my thoughts on the immediacy of Christ's call).

I must confess, this idea of emptying myself, of decluttering, of untethering myself from the materially unnecessary is daunting and uncomfortable. I like the security provided by possessions, by financial success.

I like the comfort of going with the crowd, following convention. If there's anything that terrifies me, it's the thought of being judged, of being found wanting, of not meeting expectation or causing disappointment.

And who, might you ask, is that judge? Shamefacedly, I'll admit that too often my judges are the people around me, who in my mind are constantly evaluating my actions and reactions.

I forget a lot that in the end, His opinion and His alone is the one that truly matters.

And so I must empty myself of my preconceived notions, my baggage, my biases. I must set aside worldly ambitions and aspirations. I must loosen my grasp on material possessions, and be ready at a moment's notice simply to go where I am called.

For He does call, when we are open to listen. He gives us tasks and challenges so to spread the message of hope and love that only He can give to a world that is truly in need.

He needs us to be empty, so that His Love can better flow through us.

Only then can we truly be satisfied, never having anything of our own, but always full to the brim with purest Love. In giving that love away, we constantly receive more, and our capacity to give and receive increases. The gift of Love, given and received, never ends.

"The more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite."

Ink and Pages

2010-04-05T13:41:00.000-04:00

""Someone once said that reading is a dress rehearsal for life. Through a well-crafted story we experience the good, the bad, and the ugly without any of the consequences. We get to learn from others' mistakes."

I read this quote on one of the blogs I currently follow: Steady Mom. It got me to thinking about the beauty of reading-the exciting journeys and adventures it inspires- and the incredible power of the imagination.

I am an avid reader... at least I used to be, before life happened and my son was born.
Now if I get 30 minutes of reading in, it's a fabulous day for "me" time.

Don't get me wrong, I relish every second spent with my little guy. But on those lovely days when he sleeps for three hours and I get the opportunity to delve back into reading, I am reminded of how very much I enjoy this activity and how grateful I am that my mother so strongly encouraged me to read. She opened up the world to me, and I intend to do that for my children. No endless hours in front of a TV for them! (A strong proclamation considering the only child I have right now is a 10-month old...)

I just finished two books that when juxtaposed reveal such interesting truths about love, relationships, and the appearance of perfection. The first, Perfect Life by Jessica Shattuck, is an examination of the friendships and relationships experienced by a group of college friends some years after graduation.

The second, Recipes For A Perfect Marriage by Morag Prunty gives a portrayal of two marriages, that of a woman living in New York, and that of her grandmother in Ireland.

Both books, while the former is secular to the core and the latter full of spiritual wisdom, illustrate the principle of illusion: all that glitters is not gold, and what can appear to be a perfect relationship can be anything but.

I often look at other people's relationships and wonder how they make it look so easy. I look at my own relationship, and sometimes miss the good in worrying about the difficult (but only sometimes: there's so much to be grateful for).

It's amazing how many times we can focus on the perfect, this illusive ideal that somehow manages to become the standard. I know in my head that perfect is impossible to accomplish. But my heart longs to be perfect, to have it all together, to be "that mother, that wife, that woman" that other women want to be more like.

Sometimes I look at other women, and I want to be like them. I think to myself, "Man, she's got it so easy. Her kids ..., her husband ..., whereas my son ... and my husband ..." Or I could covet someone else's financial security, someone else's house, someone else's good fortune...

But that's where reading such books as Perfect Life and Recipes comes in handy. All that glitters is not gold. I may have my own crosses to bear, but I have no idea what someone else's challenges may be. We must be careful what we wish for. What appears to be perfect often times is anything but.

Many times, we can present a front of perfection to the world as a wall behind which to hide the reality of our problems and trials. If we could just appear to have it all together, maybe then everything would simply be okay.

I am so grateful for all that I have. I have a wonderful music ministry, which God continues to expand in His will and time. I have a beautiful marriage, which is not perfect, which is continuing to blossom, and which brings me joy unlike anything else. I have a wonderful son who teaches me unceasingly and calls me daily to sainthood. I have so many blessings. So what if life is still hard sometimes? The challenges keep me from complacency and stagnancy, keep me reaching to Jesus for the strength and grace to persevere.

Little by little, I'll learn from my own mistakes. I'll take what I can from other's mistakes. I'll keep moving forward, keep living life. Lord, keep my eyes focused on You, rather than on those around me. You alone are perfect, and can bring me to perfection. And that is good enough for me.

The Fifth Station.

2010-03-18T20:41:00.000-04:00

Having a cold makes me realize just how blessed I am.

This might seem a paradoxical statement. But the realization that having this cold is possibly the most wretched thing I have experienced so far this year gives me an overwhelming sense of gratitude.

I have it so easy.

There are people all around the world whose countries have been ravaged by earthquakes (my mother's homeland of Chile no less). There are children starving for food and for love. There are the sick, the dying, the poor, the lonely.

And I suffer from a measly cold. That's the worst thing in my life right now.

God, I am overwhelmed by Your goodness and our generosity to me. I am thankful for my small crosses that I bear diligently and perseveringly. Thank You, Lord, that the crosses of others are not my own, and give me the grace to give aid as I am able. May I be Simon of Cyrene for Jesus.

Let us not be so quick to pity ourselves and cry about our situation, our cross, our difficulties. It could be so very much worse, and for many, it is.

Thank You, Lord, for my cross. Thank You for the strength to carry it daily. Give me the grace to embrace it lovingly. Amen.

A Son Comes Home

2010-03-15T18:46:00.001-04:00

As you know, I spend my Sunday afternoon/evenings leading the music for the Teen Mass at my home parish. This is both a blessing and a challenge. Sometimes, it is difficult for me personally to enter deeply into the liturgy, as I am focused on my responsibilities.

But then God breaks into my reverie, interrupts my contemplation, and presents me with something new to consider, something that didn't jump out to me while planning the music.

Yesterday's Gospel was the story of the Prodigal son. I looked up the word "prodigal," and it literally means "to squander, to drive away" (Thanks Merriam-Webster). I have always had a tough time with this reading. I identify 100% with that older brother. He dutifully obeys and honors his father. He works hard and achieves much. He is the "perfect" son, and worse, he knows it.

I myself was never the one to toe the line, to push the envelope, to spread my wings and sow my wild seeds. I was happy to be the "good girl," the responsible one, the achiever. I basked in my accomplishments and in the admiration of others.

So in my reading of this particular Gospel, I never really understood the father's reaction. Here are his two sons. One is a "lost cause," the other perfection. One wastes his father's money and his own ability; the other works efficiently and dutifully. One is selfish, the other selfless. Which would you choose? For anything?

Yes, the prodigal son came home. Ok, I can understand that. It's good for wayward sons to come home. But the Gospel essentially reads as if this son is being rewarded for doing the wrong thing. He goes off, squanders his inheritance on waste and corruption, comes back home with his tail between his legs, and suddenly all is well with the world. He is instantly restored into his father's good graces, and it is as if he never left. One "Get Out of Jail Free" later, and this son is back living the high life.

And then I realized something. This Gospel is not about reward. It's not about what is deserved
or earned or accomplished. Pure and simple, this Gospel is about redemption.

The key is in the prodigal son himself. He experiences something truly profound in his wanderings: real repentance. He recognizes the atrociousness of what he has done, what he has wasted. And he doesn't expect anything from his father. He does not go home shamefaced, expecting a slap on the wrist and perhaps grounding, but then life will go on. He understands that the penalty for what he has done is relinquishment of son-hood. But even that is better than what his current condition is. "How many of my father's hired workers have more than enough food to eat, but here am I, dying from hunger." He would rather go home and be a slave, than remain "free" in obstinate pride and destitution.

And so he goes home a man broken, but humbly acknowledging his responsibility for his fault, ready to accept the consequences. He is ready to be a slave, but knows that he will at least be well treated.

It is in this posture of obeisance that he comes home. He expects nothing, and ever fears rejection.

And his father emerges running from the home, approaches him, and embraces his son. There is no condemnation, no judgment, just pure love. "My son who was dead has come to life again; he was lost and has been found."

What sweet words in the ears of this miserable son, who has been contemplating all that he turned his back upon. He expected slavery and receives a ring. He had accepted the food of swine and receives a banquet.

How profound and irrevocably imprinted upon his mind will the lesson of forgiveness be, with such an example to remember. If I were that son, I would never forget that moment, when all that was considered lost forever was in a moment regained. He did not deserve or earn forgiveness - it was simply offered with unconditional love.

As a self-professed good girl, I didn't understand this reception at first. And neither did the elder brother in the parable. But I understand now. And I take comfort in the knowledge that someday, when I mess up and return sorrowfully to my Father, expecting nothing, He too will enfold me in His loving arms and say, "Welcome home."

Movie Critic 101 - The Broadway Melody of 1929

2010-03-12T22:15:00.002-05:00

If you would have told me ten years ago that I would be paying tribute to the entire lineup of Best Picture winning Oscar movies, I would have chuckled nervously while giving you a weird look and thinking to myself, "Yeah right. There's no cute guys in those old flicks. Why would I ever be interested in those?"

Back then, it was all about the eye candy. All I was interested in watching was sappy romantic comedies with handsome leading men and ~~a few,~~ ~~one-or-two~~ no subtle nuances in the plot. I wanted escape from reality, zone my brain out, enjoy falling in love right along with the main characters kind of movies.

And then I met Jonathan, discovered his love for artsy, independent film, and decided, why not. Let's broaden my horizons, shall we?

And I've thoroughly enjoyed the ride, thus far. There's been some absolutely messed up films along the way, some provocative mind-benders, some poignant heart-stirrers.

And now, there's going to be a series of Oscar winners. I hope you enjoy my meditations on them.

We begin with #2, as #1 is not yet available on DVD.

The movie is titled The Broadway Melody of 1929.
It's a black and white movie, an all-you-can-handle extravaganza of cheesy dialogue and ancient film editing.

And yet, amidst some pretty awful displays of female dancing, a profound story unfolds. It's a story of sacrificial love that time and again forgoes its own interests for the sake of another's best.

Hank (short for Harriet) and Queenie, two sisters with a song and dance act determined to make it to the big leagues in New York, arrive ready to show the world what they can do. Hank consistently puts herself in second place, striving to showcase her lovely sister's talents. All she retains for herself is the love of her fiance of sorts, Eddie.

Predictably, Eddie falls for the dazzling Queenie, who's not Hank's "gangly kid sister" anymore.

I say predictable, but here's where the unexpected plot arises. Instead of stealing Eddie for herself, Queenie submits to the advances of a less-than-savory gentleman. She puts on a face of wanting to live her own life, pulling away from Hank so not to tempt Eddie. Hank tries to save her sister from what she understands to be adolescent experimenting with fire, begging for Eddie to intervene between Queenie and the rascal Jock.

It was intriguing and poignant to watch each sister strive to protect the other. The more Eddie tries to profess his love for Queenie, the more she allows Jock to buy her love, the more Hank worries for her sister and tries to get Eddie to reason with her. It's a testament to each sister's love.

In the end, Hank reveals herself to be the quintessential elder sister. She realizes in a moment that Eddie in fact loves Queenie, and without hesitation, encourages him to fight for Queenie. She relinquishes her love for him, out of a greater love for her sister. Hank would rather see her sister happy, than steal that happiness for herself.

But we don't have the stereotypical "6 months later" ending that we come to expect from such tales of sacrifice. Eddie and Queenie return from their honeymoon to greet Hank, who is preparing to head off on a tour of her own. But Hank has no new lover by her side, and has reluctantly joined forces with a rival to form a new "sister" act.

The final moments of the film tellingly reveal the effects of Hank's sacrifice, and her sorrow shows on her face. Her sister is happy, but Hank is alone. A true and noble sacrifice, and yet, we do not get the opportunity to see her due reward. We expect to see Hank "ride into the sunset" with some man better suited for her, some man that quietly loved her in the sidelines.

But no such man exists for Hank. At least, not at the moment. She must now wait to see where life takes her, what new adventures it brings. Her sacrifice was pure and good, and for now, that knowledge must suffice.

It's a lesson I will take to heart. Many times, I do the good and noble thing expecting that reward will follow. It's easy to do the right thing when that deed is immediately acknowledged, praised, and recompensed.

It is not so easy to do the right thing willingly, joyfully, immediately, with the knowledge that in doing so, something you hold dear will be lost to you forever, with no foreseeable substitute awaiting.

Clean House, Clean(er) Spirit

2010-03-11T17:44:00.000-05:00

It's incredible how quickly clutter collects in a home.

Sometimes I open a closet and am astounded at how much unnecessary stuff has accumulated, that we don't need and wouldn't miss, but just can't bring ourselves to get rid of.

I have to confess, I am a pack rat. I have boxes full of little notes from people, awards I won in high school, pins I used to collect, etc ad nauseum. And I never look at any of it. But it's there if I ever felt the urge to relive the good old days. Which I might. You never know...

But the point is that I don't. And I should be able to part with these things, but I have difficulty letting go. I've realized that as detached as I consider myself to be, there are still so many things in my life that I couldn't bear to part with. Have you played that Game, the one where your house is on fire and you can only grab ONE THING? I'm terrible at this game. Well, I should say I used to be terrible at it. Now I grab my son. Period. But I'm the one that, after Matthew is safely outside in the arms of the firefighter, I go BACK IN to the burning ruins to scour for those things that somehow make my life livable...

Or do they? If I had, had, HAD to, I could let go. But since I don't have to, I'd rather just hold on to my memories, thank you.

And then, out of the blue, I read this: "Remember not the events of the past, the things of long ago consider not; See, I am doing something new!" (Isaiah 43:18-19). But Lord, I was comfortable with the way things were. I liked the familiar.

And then He rocks my world, flips it on its head, changes something radically. And I learn to let go of the unimportant, the trivial. It's time to step into a new day of freedom.

So as Jonathan and I worked to de-clutter our home (and hopefully benefit people in need as a result), it has a similar effect of de-cluttering my spirit. As I let go of physical things I don't really need or want, I ponder in my heart the spiritual weights that keep me in bondage. I let go of those too.

And by doing both, I breath a little easier, feel a little lighter, and look forward to something new.

May I Have the Envelope Please?

2010-03-06T19:52:00.000-05:00

Nothing superbly philosophical or intriguing about this blog post.

But don't let that turn you away, oh faithful friend and confidant in this journey of baring my soul!

Jonathan and I were watching a video on YouTube yesterday, and it became painfully apparent to me, how ill-educated I am when it comes to Oscar-winning films.

I can name most if not all major Disney characters,
but when it comes to truly magnificent cinematography, my film experience has been appallingly sparse.

And so, a new quest begins.

I'm starting at the beginning... well, really with #2, as the first movie to win Best Picture in 1929, "Wings," is not yet available on DVD. But the next year's winner, "The Broadway Melody of 1929", is on our Netflix que and will arrive sometime next week. I'm excited to broaden my horizons with film that has been deemed of quality.

I will let you know my progress. This will be an exciting and new addition to my blogosphere: Gaby's Oscar Education. Or shall we call it, a foray into a potential new life calling: Gaby the Film Critic... Don't worry, I won't quit my day job.

Feel free to let me know your favorites, and I will anticipate them with glee. I'm planning to watch them in order to the present, excluding the few I have already seen (which is quite a few... I'm not a complete virgin when it comes to films of good quality!).

I'm excited to expand my horizons a bit. Jonathan and I have relished many a quiet evening with wine and a good movie. Now, the difference will be a) I will be judging for myself movies that have been judged first-rate, and b) I will be opening my thought process and judging critieria to you, my faithful and beloved compadres.

Enjoy the show.

NEW CD!

2010-03-05T14:53:00.002-05:00

At last, at last, at last!!!

Since I graduated from high school, I've been selling and/or giving out copies of a CD that I recorded that summer before college. I was never 100% happy with it, and always yearned for the time/$$$ to record a new one that I could really be proud of.

HERE IT IS.
With new and improved recordings of Fiat, Let Me Live, Transfigure, and other favorites, I present to you my new CD: Let It Be Done Unto Me.

I am so proud of this new CD. My wonderful husband Jonathan got me a terrific digital piano for my birthday/Christmas this past year, and is it ever awesome! It's a Kawai ES1, and I couldn't be happier with it. Best of all, I can hook it up to my computer, along with a microphone, and voila: a new CD recorded in under a week, just in time for the Women of Faith, Women of Action conference. At which I sold a LOT of CDs!

If you would like to order a copy of this new CD, sample the songs here on my website, then contact me and I'll be happy to get you a copy.

A Good Sort of Pride

2010-03-05T11:50:00.000-05:00

My name is Gabriela Frei, and I am proud to be an American.

I have the distinct honor of being a first generation American. My mother hails from Chile, South America, and her parents are 100% Italian and Danish. My father is Cuban, and his family escaped from Cuba when he was 5 years old, on one of the last ships before they shut everything down.

I am 100% American. Although I cherish my Italian, Danish, and Cuban heritage, I am American. And I am proud of that fact. I love my country.

This is a great nation. I know this is a vast understatement, but I don't feel it is said enough these days. I hear too much about what is terribly wrong with this country, what needs "change," what needs fixing.

This may be true to a certain extent, but ladies and gentlemen, this country is the greatest country in the world. And I am proud to be a member of it.

Whatever needs fixing with the USA, it has been such a bastion of freedom, such a promoter of good in the world. I feel that because my family is not originally of this land, but has been graciously adopted into the American family, I am even more aware of and grateful for what this country offers.

Here we are free to worship God. We are free to use the strength of our hands, the strength of our minds to accomplish great things. We are free to attempt, to achieve, even to fail. We are free to do what we feel in our hearts is our call.

We are free.

But this freedom is being threatened by those who offer a false sense of equality.

Life is not fair. Life is not equal. Yes, all men are created equal by God, with certain unalienable rights: the right to live, the right to believe, the right to be free. But prosperity is not guaranteed to all. Success is not a given, just because you either happen to be born in America, or have arrived within her borders.

Every man is given two hands to work. Every man is given a brain to think, to conceive, to invent. Not all are given equal measure of strength or intelligence. To whom much is given, much is expected. Ability is a gift and a challenge.

We must do what we can with what we have. We ought not covet what our neighbor has or does. Rather, we ought recognize with humility and honesty what we have been given, and strive to achieve what we can.

The sense of entitlement, that I "deserve x, and you should pay for it," will destroy everything that makes this country great, that makes people around the world dream of coming to America and have the chance to achieve their dream.

The American dream is to achieve, to be successful. And that's what it is: a dream, a hope, a challenge. Not a guarantee, a certainty, or a handout. We are promised life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Not the assurance or inevitability of happiness. We must work. We must sweat. If we do, then our success and our failure is our own. We stand then on our own two feet, and take responsibility for ourselves.

I am proud to be an American. I am proud of my country, of the men and women that have sacrificed, have poured out their blood, so that I can be free. Freedom is never free, and a great price has been paid so that we can now enjoy the rights and privileges that come with being American. We must be so proud of what our forefathers have done, and never forget their tremendous sacrifice.

I do what I can, and am grateful for what I have. I dream of the future, and I work hard to realize that dream. I don't expect anyone to achieve my dream for me, nor do I ask for anyone to pay my way. And I remember the past, all that has been done. As I remember, I am grateful, and my heart swells all the more with pride.

I am an American. And I will not forget the price that has been paid so that I can claim that inheritance. I will forever be grateful, I will always be proud of who I am, of what this country has achieved and the hope that if offers. I love my country.

One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Know Thyself.

2010-03-04T22:27:00.000-05:00

How do you love?

Are you full of passion, sparks flying, endless soaring on cloud nine?
Are you twitter-patted and silly, hearing violins and seeing rainbows soaring?
Are you solid and enduring, captivated once and loving forever?

How do you show love?

Are you a giver of gifts? Do you exude affection? Are you a servant?
Are your words a expression of love? Are your time and presence gifts in themselves?

How do you receive love?

Do you crave a warm touch? Do you relish time spent with your beloved? Do you require affirmation to know you are loved? Do gifts provide that assurance? Do acts of service convince you?

Know thyself, the Oracle proclaimed. If you cannot know yourself in this most essential of needs, your need to show and receive love, you cannot hope to progress further into knowledge of yourself.

In our love, we most reflect God. In loving others, we are a vessel of God to them. In opening our hearts to receive love, we encounter our Lord in others. Without love, we are a cacophony of sound, tales "full of sound and fury, signifying nothing" (Macbeth).

We are told there is so much to know, to unfold, to discover in the world. There are adventures to be had, books to read, subjects to study, places to go, beauty to see. And yet, the most profound depths are in fact within ourselves. Here in the silence is the place designated for us to encounter our Maker. In this stillness, we are meant to find Him - "Be still and now that I am God" (Psalm 46).

We often forget that we are ourselves an untapped wealth waiting to be uncovered. I am a mystery even to myself. It takes a lifetime to know fully who I am, and yet I cannot know what I am meant to be without this process of self-discovery and increasing awareness.

Because I am all that I have to work with. And yes, progress can always be made, and perfection can be coaxed from the unwieldy. But if we cannot make that effort to discover who we are, then we have no starting point from which to understand the world.

Know thyself. Be true to yourself. Uncover Truth within yourself. For He who is Truth has imprinted Himself within your heart, leaving hints as to His being. He calls continuously, and in knowing the truth of you, you discover more of Him.

And He is love.

Immediately

2010-03-02T12:14:00.001-05:00

And Jesus said to them, "Follow Me, and I will make you become fishers of men." Immediately they left their nets and followed Him.

Immediately. They left their nets and followed Him immediately.

Wow. Can you imagine the scene? These fishermen lived a simple life, but one that followed a pattern. A daily pattern that never changed. You get up early. You get in your boat. You throw your nets into the water. You catch fish. You go home.

But this day, which started just like every other, was one unlike any other. This was the day of The Call. On this day, life would forever change for these simple fisherman.

And they didn't hesitate for a second.

Let me tell you, I hope and pray that if that ever happened to me, if Jesus walked out of the blue and said, "Gaby, follow Me," that I too would drop everything and follow. Immediately.

What does that even mean? I never do anything immediately. I always hesitate. I ponder. I weigh the potential obstacles, the possible outcomes, the necessary effort. I consider what people around me might think. I am to a degree crippled by my own mind and perceptions.

Would I be able to drop everything, at a moment's notice? Would I be able to sacrifice life as I've always known it, to follow Jesus wherever He might call me?

I mean, He could call me to Haiti. He could very well visit me today and say, "Gaby, follow Me to Haiti. Minister to your brothers and sisters. Leave everything and just go. Now." What would I say? Would I say, "But Lord, my life, my music, my ministry is here! Are You sure? Have You really thought this true?"

I honestly can't imagine. Too many times, I go before the Lord with a list of things I want to tell Him or ask Him for, but I don't set the time aside for silence, to simply listen to what He might say. Because frankly I'm afraid of what He might ask. I love my life. It's simple, but it's comfortable, stable, and predictable. I don't want to change.

And yet, He calls us daily to change, to transformation. Look at this Sunday's gospel. Taken from Matthew 17, it chronicles Jesus' revelation of His true glory to his disciples. He takes them away from the hustle and bustle of life, to the mountaintop of Tabor, where all is silence and wind and isolation. There, in the quiet, He reveals Himself. And they are forever changed.

It is in the silence that we find God. Away from the distraction of daily life - although we can most certainly find God there too. In the silence, we discern His will. In the silence, we hear His call - follow Me and I will transfigure you.

I believe that it is our fiat, our proclamation of "Yes" to whatever the Lord asks, that gives us the strength and courage to accomplish what He requires. When we courageously and obediently say "Yes, Lord," set aside our nets, and follow Him, He then meets us where we are and gives us all we lack.

The key is that immediate action. When we stop to consider the consequences or to tally our potential losses, we are crippled by indecision, by fear. When we act immediately and dive right in, we discover that He is there, granting strength, imbuing us with grace.

And then that all-too-familiar phrase reveals its truth: "All things are possible."

Not My Will But Yours

2010-03-01T17:18:00.000-05:00

Hello to all.

It's been a while since I posted. I credit the encouragement of a dear friend for spurring me back to pen and paper, or really, to keyboard and screen.

Welcome back to the joyful chaos that is my life. Thanks for coming along for the ride, for the prayers and support.

Updates:

Music

Voice of An Angel came to an unexpected, sad, and early end for me, as I did not receive enough votes to progress to the finals. I have to admit that I was shocked, and it took me a month (or two) to process.

I realized that God had other plans in store, and still does. My prayer has always been, "Not my will, Lord, but Yours. If something I want to do does not give You glory, then I will go a different way." He has big plans in store for me and for my music. If not this, something else. Of that, I am certain.

By way of encouragement to you all: He NEVER gives gifts without a purpose. We are all given means to minister. Sometimes, an occasion, like Voice of An Angel, will seem to be The Fruition of our gifts, The Moment we have been waiting for. Sometimes, like Voice of An Angel, it is not the right time after all. And that's ok. Because That Fruition, That Moment will come someday. And boy, will I be ready!!! So don't be discouraged if you haven't discovered the way your gift will be best used either. There is a plan and a purpose. There is a deep meaning to all things that occur in life.

The time will come.

I have written a new song, which makes me so happy. The title comes from a homily that our bishop recently preached. He used the phrase "Made for more," which really hit home for me and resonated in my spirit. We are made for so much more than this feeble earth can offer. We are meant to experience more, to love more, to be loved more, to see truth more, to BE MORE. It's a clarion call to reach higher, dig deeper, and try harder. We have received the mantle of holiness from Jesus. Let's be worthy of our mission, and do all we can each day for His greater glory. More to come in update on that song. It is only in the inception stage. I have the lyrics done and a melody in mind. SO EXCITING!!!

Ministry

I am continuing on in my beautiful work with the teens at my church. God has been so faithful in allowing that ministry to grow and flower, and they keep coming! What an awesome opportunity, to lead music for the greatest occasion of fellowship and reception of grace that we as followers of Christ have: the Mass. It is a responsibility I do not take lightly. I do my best to bring unity to the liturgy, trying to match themes in the readings from scripture with songs that illuminate them. It is a great honor.

I also had another tremendous opportunity that came about in light of my dismissal from Voice of An Angel. I was asked to lead the music for a women's retreat at a local Catholic high school. The theme was "Women of Faith, Women of Action." More than 350 women attended, and were blessed by talks by Helen Alvaré, Father Miguel Gonzales, and my own mother, Cristina Martinez. I was honored to play one of my own songs, Transfigure. This song in particular always hits home for me, especially now during the time of Lent. We are called to perfection, but cannot alone achieve this goal. Only with His grace can we be transformed into sons and daughters of God.

This is a great segue into some more exciting music news! In preparation for the conference, I came to the decision that I needed to record updated versions of old favorite songs, as well as some new songs. I just purchased a fantastic Kawai digital piano, and decided to self-produce a new CD for the conference. It was a week-long project that involved the house work piling around me and my husband taking over watching Matthew during the night, but in the end it was worth it to have a CD that I can be proud of. This CD includes my favorite songs, Fiat, Transfigure, Let Me Live (which is my prolife song), The Present Moment, and others. Anyone interested in either hearing the songs or purchasing a CD can visit my music site.

Motherhood

At last we come to the main focus of my existence: Matthew Elliot Frei.

What a joy he is, and what a daily challenge. I spoke of perfection earlier, and how we cannot alone reach it. Well, let me tell you, Matthew has been given me by God as a quick route to said perfection... if I survive! He is such an energetic, curious, strong, and powerful little man (if such a word can appropriately capture his baby strength). He is definitely my child, with his stubbornness and will to achieve. His laughter is the music of my day, his smile the charm of my heart, and his good is my desire. I delight in caring for him and for Jonathan too.

Matthew has surpassed the point that Jonathan refers to as "Longer Out Than In." Yes, you guessed right: Matthew has now been longer in the world outside of Mommy than inside. He is 9.5 months, a whopping 25lbs of joy and exuberance, is crawling big-boy style, and every day presents me with greater opportunities to wonder at God's providence. Every day, I become more a mom. Every day, I feel more confident and beautiful in this state of life. I'm grateful, so grateful for my son and all that he has taught me already in his young life.

Enough for a first post. Tomorrow, I will share some of my Lenten meditations, especially on a word that has resonated for me of late: immediately.

Stay tuned. I love you, even if I haven't met you. I pray for you, and ask that God shower you with rich mercy in this wonderful time of purification. Know you are called by name. Know you are blessed. And live with that in mind. You are not alone.

DON'T FORGET TO VOTE!

2009-12-12T21:09:00.002-05:00

Hello Everyone!

Day #2 for voting for Voice of An Angel 2009 is coming to a close.

Please don't forget to vote! The deadline is midnight tomorrow. Then the finalist from the Diocese of Venice, as well as the finalists from the other 6 dioceses in the state, will be announced on Monday at 12pm!!!

If you haven't voted yet, please click this link to go to the Voice of An Angel website. Thanks SO much for all the prayers and support!

I'm super excited about the possibilities present in this competition, and am hopeful the Lord will continue to call me to this journey. May His will be done and His name be glorified.

IT'S FINALLY HERE! Voice of An Angel 2009 HAS BEGUN!!!

2009-12-11T10:04:00.000-05:00

Hello all!

It's been a very exciting couple of weeks here in the Frei family house. First Thanksgiving break and an excursion into the chilliness of Wisconsin, couple with baby Matthew in tow! He actually did very well with the plane rides (he slept during takeoffs and landings!), and even acclimated nicely to the well below normal temperatures he experienced. But I am SO glad to be home!

BUT ON TO THE IMPORTANT NEWS:

Voice of An Angel has finally started!

I am so excited to be in this stage of the competition, and I need your help. We taped the Semifinal competition this past Saturday for my diocese, the Diocese of Venice, and you can now view it here on the Voice of An Angel website. I had so much fun singing my heart out and glorifying God in the process.

So the next step is up to you and your VOTES! It's fast, it's simple, and best of all, it's FREE. If you like what you hear in the video, all you have to do is click on the "Vote" tab at the top of the page, or on the "Who Is Your Favorite: VOTE" link. You will be directed to register with the website.

Here's where it MIGHT get a little tricky: the website will send you a confirmation email after you register. That email MIGHT end up in your SPAM folder. So if you don't see the email in your inbox, check that SPAM folder.

After you confirm, go back to the website, and click the "Vote Now" link after you sign in. THEN THE FUN PART: scroll all the way down to the bottom of the page, and VOTE FOR ME, Gabriela Frei.

Everyone gets one free vote. If you would like to vote more than once (and I would very much love it if you did!), each additional vote is $1. HERE'S THE GREAT PART: 50% of that will go to my sponsored charity, the Collier Pregnancy Center. Check out their website here. This ministry does INCREDIBLE work helping out young women who find themselves pregnant and with no one else to turn to, saving hundreds and hundreds of unborn babies every year. Please prayerfully consider giving them support. God bless you abundantly for your generosity!

I can't tell you how much I appreciate the support. If I get enough votes, as well as the judges stamp of approval, I will represent my diocese as one of the 7 finalists from the entire state. I would then go to Miami December 21-23 and compete to be the winner of Voice of An Angel 2009!!!

So PLEASE go and vote for me right now. You have to vote by Sunday night, and then they will reveal the 7 finalists sometime on Monday on the Voice of An Angel website. I'm honored to be a part of this "singing competition with a higher purpose," and I'm hopeful that God's will is for me to move forward, and continue to glorify Him with a gift He so generously gave me.

God bless you all!

Lift Up Your Hearts: Part Two

2009-11-20T09:19:00.001-05:00

Part Two of the talk I gave for the "A Few Minutes With God" website. May you be blessed!

Finally, hope is so integral to our spiritual lives because it distinguishes us, sets us apart, allows us to embrace who we are – heirs to the Kingdom of God, His sons and daughters. Without hope, we could never fully embrace this rich inheritance or believe in its possibility, let alone its reality. While in the midst of difficulty, it is hard sometimes to remember and claim our dignity. We forget the price He paid so that we could be free. We doubt our inheritance, our worthiness. We say to ourselves, “I’m not good enough, I’m worthless, it’s too hard to keep believing otherwise.”

But hope empowers us to embrace fully this inheritance that we have in fact already received by virtue of our baptism. Although we cannot see the kingdom of Heaven that awaits us, we are hopeful because we believe in Christ's promise. We embrace the birthrights of princes or princesses, because we have hope in Christ who makes them a reality.

The moment of doubt are exactly the moment that hope lifts up our hearts, reminds us of His promise and love, chases away the fear, and helps us to keep believing, keep pressing on even when there’s every apparent reason to give up. Romans 5:3-5 gives evidence to this, saying, “Not only that, but we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us.”

* * *

So if Hope is so important and vital to our walk, why is it sometimes so hard to hold on to? Why is it so easy to forget in times of difficulty? Why is Satan so easily able to rob our hope and our peace?

It is a part of human nature to desire to see, to touch. We like to have proof before we will accept something as fact. You know the expression, “I have to see it to believe it.” The same goes for our spiritual walk. It is challenging to embrace peace and hope, trusting that “all things work for the good for them that love the Lord,” when everything seems to be crashing down around you.

The devil attacks us where we are most weak. Now is a time of uncertainty and fear. Many of us are suffering financially, emotionally, physically. We fear for our country, for our families, for our future. It’s hard enough to deal with the present, let alone be able to look past our current crises into a future that appears bleak and hope for the Lord somehow to provide. It’s easy to say, “How can I hope that the Lord will take care of the future, when my situation right now is so precarious? He doesn’t seem to be hearing my prayer right now, so clearly I have to rely on myself to get through this!”

It doesn’t help that the world condemns and scorns the hopeful as dreamers and fools. We as Christians are told we ought to focus on the Now: why should you sacrifice and die to your desires for the sake of an Eternity you can’t know for sure really exists! You should instead live for the moment, do what feels good now! Don’t do the moral or the right thing, but instead give in to your inclinations.

Thus, the world entices us with the temptation of pleasure right now, of security right now, of success right now. The world tells us we have to take care of our own problems, that it does no good to rely on some unseen Higher Power to fix our situation. The world offers a false sense of happiness, provision, and peace that ultimately leaves you feeling empty, unsatisfied, and lied to. It tries to make you consider yourself and earthly pleasures the only “gods” worth counting on.

Let’s be honest, it’s easy to be hopeful when times are good, and when everything you touch seems to turn to gold, when you can see the Lord working, see answered prayers, feel His joy and peace. At times like these, you wonder why everyone isn’t more hopeful.

But the hard times are what make us saints. Anyone can be hopeful in the good times, when it’s oh-so-easy. In the times of difficulty, that’s when we truly pick up our crosses and walk the road to Calvary with our Lord. We suffer the Cross with Him, and are carried by the hope of His promise into the Resurrection. Thanks to Jesus, we know that the Resurrection lies in the hope of a new dawn following the darkest night of the soul.

Our hope in Jesus, as well as His joy which is our strength, gives us the courage we lack, a strength that is not our own, which lifts us up on the wings of eagles, lifts up our hearts out of despair and discouragement into His marvelous light. Our hope transforms the need to rely on our own strength and knowledge to fix our circumstances, into a new ability to surrender to His will.

Our example must be our beautiful Mother Mary, who is such a perfect model of hope in the Lord. She knew in her heart what would be asked of her Son, the One who would die that all might live. She pondered, she surrendered, she proclaimed “Fiat, let it be done according to Thy word,” and she hoped in the Lord’s promise that all would be for the greatest and best good. She stood at the foot of her Son’s cross and silently watched His sacrifice, all the while hoping for the greater glory of God. Her hope in spite of her suffering must be our example.

Stay tuned for Part Three tomorrow!!!

Lift Up Your Hearts: Part One

2009-11-19T16:48:00.002-05:00

My talk is finished and available for download here, at AFewMinutesWithGod. This is a great website, that encourages us all to spend a few minutes with our Lord every day. I've been participating for a week or so now, and it's been a great blessing to me, just to be reminded to spend that time with my Jesus.

Even though my talk is available for download, I also wanted to provide you with a hard copy, if you wanted to read it in the customary three installments.

My talk is called "Lift Up Your Hearts." I talk about the importance of hope in our Christian walk, why it is difficult at times to retain, and I share some of my own experiences. Hope truly is a central aspect of our spiritual journey. It is fundamental to our relationship with Jesus. It opens our eyes to deeper meaning and purpose. It fills us with peace and joy that supersede our circumstances. READ ON to discover more that the Lord has revealed to me about Hope.

Lift Up Your Hearts
The Necessity of Hope in the Christian Life

Most of us Catholics can recite the three theological virtues – faith, hope, and love – and have been able to give these three answers confidently since childhood. These are three incredible gifts that the Lord has given to us to assist us on our journey to sainthood, our walk with Him into eternity.

These virtues are a gift, but also a responsibility. We are called not only to accept them as gifts, but to cultivate them in our lives through our words, thoughts, and actions.

Now, this conference focuses specifically on Hope. My talk is called “Lift Up Your Hearts,” a title which uses a phrase that we recite every time we go to mass. We are called to lift up our hearts, to be elevated up to Heaven, to fix our eyes upon something greater than this earth can provide.

Our capacity to hope is a tremendous blessing that we ought not take lightly, but must guard vigilantly. Hope is absolutely vital in the good times, but most especially when faced with trial and difficulty. It is what allows us to endure, to focus on the Lord and His promise to carry us through whatever comes our way.

One of my favorite verses deals with this incredible gift of hope. Psalm 42:6 proclaims, “Why are you cast down, my soul? Why groan within me? Hope in God, I will praise Him still, my savior and my God.” As Christians, we are called to a life imbued with hope, which cannot sway regardless of our circumstances. Whether we face difficult times ahead, or whether our lives are full of happiness, we must cling to the promise of the Lord to provide for our needs and desires.

Our hope cannot be in the fickle promise or empty satisfaction extended by the world. The world would seek to distract us from our true purpose and meaning: to give glory to the Lord in all things.

This talk will examine what the virtue of hope is, what is its importance in our spiritual walk, why it can be so difficult to retain. I will also share some of my own experiences with hope.

* * *

So what is this virtue that can hold our heads above the storm’s waves, and keep our eyes fixed on Christ? The Catechism of the Catholic Church, paragraph 1817, defines Hope as “the theological virtue by which we desire the kingdom of heaven and eternal life as our happiness, placing our trust in Christ’s promises and relying not on our own strength, but on the help of the grace of the Holy Spirit.”

In my acceptance of Christ into my heart and my desire for union with Him, my hope is transformed. I no longer hope for earthly success, financial stability, romantic companionship, or whatever else entices my heart on this earth. My hope is now fixed on Jesus, on His promise of eternal life. This is now the source of my joy, the thought of one day joining my Lord in heaven. If you think about it, what earthly pleasure could compete with this promise? Wouldn’t a promise like this, a promise of eternal happiness and peace, be worth sacrificing everything?

Why is hope so important? When He created humanity, the Lord placed within us an emptiness that only He in His infinite goodness and love could fill. He created us to search for Him, to search for something greater than this earth and all its wonders. We need hope to give us perspective, to instill meaning and purpose in our day-to-day activities. As a hopeful people, we can endure suffering and see beauty in it. We can overcome temptation and not feel deprived. We can live as Christ lived, following His example, dying to ourselves day after day, and know that with every action, we draw nearer to His heart, and get a little closer to Heaven.

Hope is vital because it is the doorway to deeper faith, to having our eyes truly opened by the Lord. A life without hope becomes mechanical. You survive from day to day. You live for earth instead of for eternity as you were created. Things that happen are either random coincidence or entirely dependent on you and your own strength and skill. A life like this is like standing on the edge of a cliff. Instead of looking in front of you and observing the gorgeous sunset, you instead focus on the small little rocks at your feet, and work at arranging them into little piles. You have control, and are accomplishing some task, but in the process miss out on the glory before you, and the possibilities that lie down the road.

The life of hope becomes imbued with deeper meaning and purpose. We don’t have hope because of our own goodness or perfection. We have hope because of Jesus, because of His promise which we believe. Hope does not reside in our heads, but flows from our heart. We cannot know beyond the shadow of a doubt that there is in fact something greater, that at the final hour we will experience all that is promised us. But we trust in His Promise, we believe His word, and we hope for the day that we will see His glory revealed.

Once we allow hope to take root in our hearts, the light of Christ shines forth and casts away the darkness of despair. Hope keeps us from selfishness, fills us with tremendous gratitude both for what we have now and what we trust is coming. Hope opens the door to greater faith and love. We are content with little now, with sacrifice now, knowing that our reward will be great in Heaven.

This frees us from the desire to drown our discontent in earthly pleasure that can never satisfy the deeper longing in our hearts. We were not created to be satisfied with so little. St. Augustine notes that our hearts are restless until they rest in the Lord. Only He can satisfy this intense desire, because He placed it within us. He created us to long for Him, to long for something more than this finite world can offer.

Too often, our hearts are burdened with a false restlessness because of fear, anxiety, or worry. This is a bondage we were not intended to experience. We become restless because we seek peace, security, and fulfillment in earthly things that can never live up to our expectation of needs. And yet we turn to them again and again, falsely hoping that maybe this time, it will satisfy.

This false hope and restlessness is a prison that can be avoided by fixing our eyes on the Lord and hoping instead for the delights, the peace, the joy that He offers. Fear and worry keep us paralyzed, and would cripple us. Hope, on the other hand, lifts us up. Fear darkens our view, while hope is the window that lets in the light of Christ, casting out the darkness of Satan's deception.

Our hearts must be restless for Him alone, hope for Him alone. Only when we realize the incredible destiny for which we were created, and again hope and trust in the Lord, that we find what we are searching for. He alone is the answer to our every question, the fulfillment of our deepest hopes.

When we are able to truly hope in the Lord, we receive the peace which Philippians 4:6-7 gives testimony to: “Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known unto God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding shall guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”

Hope in the Lord can never disappoint, but if truly embraced will always provide the peace we so desperately seek. The Lord knows our needs better than we can imagine. If we make our requests known, and are grateful for all we already have, the Lord promises us the peace that goes beyond what our minds can comprehend. This peace supersedes our circumstances, our crosses and trials, our successes and victories. It is a constant reliance upon His strength, His joy, His truth alone.

Stay tuned for Part Two tomorrow!!!

What I've Learned from Prayer Group and LOST

2009-11-07T17:19:00.001-05:00

My parents have a weekly prayer group that normally meets on Thursday nights. Imagine the craziness that breaks loose when they decide to change things up a bit and have it on Friday night this week!

I have blogged about this group before here (if you want the full experience, I wrote down another message that was spoken). If you live in the Fort Myers, Florida area perchance, contact me if you are interested in attending. Seriously, it's been a great blessing for many years.

Yesterday, I could sense the Lord speaking to my heart, and surprise, surprise, it was yet another continuation of the peace vs. anxiety theme that's been ongoing this week. This was the message:

St. Augustine noted that "Our hearts are restless, Lord, until they rest in You." This restlessness is rooted in the deepest part of our hearts, a yearning that longs for God. Only He can satisfy this intense desire, because He placed it within us. He created us to long for Him, to long for something more than this finite world can offer.

Unfortunately, in this uncertain times, our hearts are consumed with a different, corrupt kind of restlessness, one that brings anxiety and fear. We are restless because we seek peace, security, and fulfillment in earthly things that can never live up to our expectation or needs. And yet we turn to them again and again, seeking satisfaction.

It is only when we realize the incredible destiny for which we were created, and turn back to the Lord that we find what we are searching for. He is the answer to our every question, and the provision for our every need. He alone can provide the peace we so desperately seek.

(For all you St. Augustine fans, I wrote a three part meditation regarding his meditations on praise. Read it here.)

This message that the Lord spoke to my heart was incredibly powerful for me. It resounded in my heart and convicted me of something that I have always struggled with: the reality that peace is not something I can attain on my own, but rather it is a state achieved through surrender to His will.

As you know, I have confessed to being somewhat of a perfectionist. The notion that I cannot of my own strength achieve my fulfillment or perfect myself has been a stumbling block. Wanting to do it all on my own, I keep banging my head against a wall hoping to accomplish things that I simply am incapable of. And the Lord waits patiently, calling my name, saying "Little one, you don't have to do it alone. I am here and I am ready to help you." But in my pride, I feel I can't ask for help, can't abase myself in humility.

My perfectionism has always been a source of stress, tension, restlessness. It has been a powerful lie that Satan has used to bring me to despair. The devil whispers in my ear that I ought to be able to perfect myself. I have all the strength and skill necessary. And then when I fail (which is of course inevitable without grace), I am overcome with a feeling of inadequacy.

But the Lord has been faithful in showing me and reminding me of all the ways that He has helped me grow spiritually as well as heal from past wounds. He continues to call me oh-so-gently, to tug at my restless heart that above all longs for union with His heart.

One day, I hope and pray, it will be easy. For now, I am content to struggle.

I was just introduced to the TV series Lost, and have been enjoying the deeper themes present. Today, we watched an episode that highlights the beauty of struggle. John Locke is helping Charlie, an addict going through the misery of detox. Locke uses a moth struggling to escape from its cocoon to illustrate an important lesson for Charlie, who is looking for an easy way out. Locke notes that he could make the process of emergence so much easier for the moth by using his knife to open the cocoon. But if he did, the moth would lack the necessary strength to survive in the world. An action intended to aid the moth in kindness would ultimately result in its crippling and death.

Locke continues to say that life is full of struggle, and that it is through struggle that we become stronger, wiser, better. For us Christians, if everything were easy, or the Lord simply gave us everything that we ask for, then we would never grow from our experiences. We would never have the strength necessary to press on and endure in the fight.

That's why I am content and at peace in my struggle. I know that I don't struggle alone, for He is with me. I know I don't struggle in vain, because life is not about achieving perfection. It's a journey, a process of growth, a walk with a Person who knows exactly who I am, and loves me anyways.

Let There Be Light

2009-11-06T18:51:00.001-05:00

I decided to continue that meditation on worry-free life.

I was asked to prepare a talk for an online conference. The conference will be held next week Thursday, November 22. You can log in at your convenience here and listen to all the talks. The theme, one that is very close to my heart, is HOPE. Especially now, in these days of uncertainty and fear, we need to cling to the hope that the Lord promises us.

I haven't quite decided what my talk will focus on, but I started thinking a bit on the theme of hope vs. the worry that plagues me.

Our Lord extends to us the great gift of hope. This virtue is rooted deep within our souls, a connection to Heaven that keeps us going, allows us to reach higher, push longer, endure in spite of difficulty or burden. Hope allows us to look for meaning in sorrow, to smile while carrying a heavy cross at a person that might have a heavier one.

Our faith is the belief in the knowledge that there is a God. But hope is that gut feeling that chases away the doubts, that helps us keep believing even when there's every apparent reason to give up.

Fear and worry, on the other hand, keep us paralyzed, would cripple us where hope would lift us up. Fear darkens our view, while hope is the window that lets in the light of Christ, casting out the darkness of Satan's deception.

Hope allows us to embrace fully the inheritance that we have already received by virtue of our baptism. Although we cannot see the kingdom of Heaven that awaits us, we are hopeful because we believe in Christ's promise. We take upon ourselves the birthrights of princes or princesses, because we have hope in Christ who makes them a reality.

We cannot hope, however, because we are certain. We hope because in our hearts we believe in something greater. We do not know it is true, having not yet seen with eyes illuminated by truth. We hope that when we close our eyes in death, we will then open them in eternity, about to experience a Love greater than any we could ever imagine. Romans 5:3-5 proclaims, "Not only that, but we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us."

His love is the foundation for our faith and hope. We do not merely believe in principles and hope for a promise fulfilled. We believe in a Person and we hope for eternity spent with Him and being loved by Him.

A life without hope is basic, animalistic, and instinctual. We live to survive from day to day, and are incapable of seeing beyond the successes or failures of the moment. Life becomes earthbound, focused on what we can accomplish while on earth.

Hope focuses our eyes on eternity. We are able to look deeper, past the superficiality of the here and now. We see the present within the context of forever. We then become capable of experiencing joy and peace in spite of our circumstances.

Because then life is no longer just about us and what we do. Life becomes about fulfilling who we are by our nature: sons and daughters of the King.

So if you have the gift of hope, cling to it, fight for it, and never let go. It is the door that opens to a deeper faith, more substantial joy, and greater capacity to feel and accept the Lord's love, and give that love to others.

Meditations on Music and Worry-Free Life

2009-11-04T21:22:00.000-05:00

I have been pondering two topics today that I would like to blog about. They are not necessarily related, but they have been on my mind lately. Firstly, the tremendous gift we have in music. And secondly, the necessity for peace in our lives.

Music
Sometimes I am in awe at the marvelous gift that music is to life.

It has tremendous capacity to uplift the spirit, to evoke emotion, bring the listener to tears or joyous motion. Through music, of the right nature of course, we are given the opportunity to join Heaven in proclaiming the glory of God. A phrase uttered in everyday life, such as "Blessed Be the Name," receives an infusion of energy, of passion, and of possibility through song. It has new power to strike you to the core, bring you to your knees and cause you to raise your hands in awe of Him who gives and takes away.

Music can release stress, break through hardness of heart, and provide an avenue for the Lord to bathe us in His love and mercy. I don't know about others, but sometimes I can truly feel the presence of our Lord in the midst of our praise. Not that it alone is worthy of His hearing. But rather, in its simplicity, inadequacy, and humility, our song of praise still brings delight to His ears. He descends to grace our praise with His presence, makes our song worthy through His grace.

It overwhelms me, the gift we have in praising the Lord.

Granted, music can also be corrupted and used in ways that do not glorify the Lord. I lament this fact.

But nonetheless, music is a tremendous grace given to us. And not just music that is purely sacred in nature. There is something about a lilting melody, words about love, about commitment, about giving your all for someone else. Even if the song is not specifically spiritual or Christian, it can still bring joy to your spirit. And that is a victory for the Lord, and a defeat for Satan, who above all else seeks to draw us down into the mud.

And so I'm grateful for song, for music, for harmony and melody, for lyrics and instrumentation. May it be pleasing to Him. May we find true joy and peace in song.

Peace vs. Worry
There's nothing like getting married, having a baby, and diving into adulthood and responsibility to make you realize just how easy you had it as a child and teenager.

And even then, I worried about things, so often insignificant things that really don't matter at the end of the day.

I know that worry doesn't help anything. I know that worrying about a problem doesn't solve that problem, or make it go away, or really accomplish anything aside from wrecking my peacefulness.

But the stretch from knowing to not doing seems impossible to cross.

I want to be at peace in every moment, despite my circumstances. I want to trust that, in the end, there is a meaning and a purpose to every experience, every difficulty, every success. I want to be able at a moment's notice to surrender my plans and expectations in light of the Lord's will.

I'm not there yet. I still have a challenge embracing changes in plans, unexpected expenses, fears that arise in the middle of the night, and the paranoia that sometimes accompanies motherhood.

But at the same time, God has been gracious and faithful, generous and healing. He has brought me so far in the past couple of years. Things that used to throw me completely for a loop (i.e. getting lost in Pittsburgh at night on route to Formal), now cause me simply to shrug my shoulders, say "we'll get there someday," and try to enjoy the spontaneity of the moment's adventure.

But that's life, isn't it? We look back to see how far we've come, so to be encouraged to keep going. Remembering the mountains we've crossed helps us face the ones that lie ahead. I always remind myself that my strength is not my own. I have been given so much, and I am grateful.

Peace comes not from conquering worry. Peace comes from embracing truth, and the truth is that God is in control, period. So we shouldn't worry. We're not in control anyways.

Look Who's Back :)

2009-11-03T09:00:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I wrote. Lots of excitement around these parts, what with friends I haven't seen in a long time coming to visit, new developments with Jonathan and work, taking on the music for the Teen Mass at my church, and other such happenings.

But I'm back, and ready to write again. Here are some updates with the goings-on in this mommy's life:
Motherhood:

Matthew is sitting up now, and trying desperately to get crawling. I am in for trouble with this one, I can tell already. It won't be long before he's crawling, then running, then leaping over buildings in a single bound... Oh, the joys of motherhood, chasing after our little ones! We had a blast celebrating Baby's First Halloween, dressing our little guy up in a orange onesie and pumpkin hat and taking him to the local outlet mall for some trick-or-treating. Jonathan and I are still praying and discerning what exactly we envision for this holiday for our children. There is innocent fun to be had, but also a very real threat of evil presences that surround this day. What are your thoughts out there? Yes or No on the Trick-or-Treating question? I'd love to know!

Growing up, my family never celebrated Halloween. We would even leave our home and go out for dinner, so not to be there when the trick-or-treaters came a'knocking. Jonathan, on the other hand, did grow up with costumes and candy and the works. We are now trying to decide how to treat this holiday in our family. Can it be innocent fun for children, in a controlled and safe environment, like a mall? Is it truly an evening for evil spirits to roam, for witches to cast hexes, and Satan worships to consecrate themselves to the devil? Can it be an opportunity to witness to others of Christ's love and generosity (i.e. giving out candy with Scripture verses attached, and saying "God bless you" to children and their parents)? Where does being in the world and not of it come into play on this day? I'm hoping to discern this over the next years, before Matthew is old enough to really partake in the festivities. It's our responsibility as parents to do what we feel is best for our own children. We must make that decision and then stick to it, come hell or high water, until the Lord shows us otherwise.

Music:
Voice of An Angel has been postponed slightly, and I'm actually glad for it. The tapings of the Semifinal competition were supposed to begin this coming Saturday, Nov.7th. That would have kicked off 6 weeks of competitions among the three semifinalists from each diocese. A little much, I thought. The new schedule has the semifinals commencing in December, with three weeks of Semifinal competitions to determine the one finalist from each diocese. This to me makes more sense, to have an elimination with each taping. I'm sad not to get to sing all the songs I was picking out, but you sacrifice one thing for another, right? I'm still asking for prayers, that God's will be done.

Leading the music for the Teen Mass has been SUCH a gift and a blessing. We just had our third Mass last night, and my dear friend Jessica Liston, who came to stay with us for a few days and get to know Matthew a little better, joined the choir as a guest vocalist :) I've loved getting to play praise and worship music again. It brings back such great memories of my university days. But more importantly, attendance at this Mass increases every week! May the teens find something to whet their appetite and keep them coming back. Whatever it takes to hook them, may they keep coming back for the Eucharist, for Jesus. Matthew is even joining in the worship, singing delightedly and soaking in the adoring attention from whoever is next slated to hold and entertain him while Mommy and Daddy play music. He's a good boy.

Ministry
Like I mentioned, my dear sister from college, Jess, came down for a vacation over the past few days. She is a beacon of light in my life, a breath of fresh air. I am blessed to have a few friends that are truly low-maintenance. Maintaining the relationship is easy and joyful. These people are simply a joy to be with, and Jess is one of those friends. I am so grateful that she was able to come down. We had several talks about life and our respective walks with the Lord, and I was struck by the similarities in joys and crosses. I believe that the Lord provides us with soul mates, not just in the romantic sense, but also in the spiritual sense. These soul mates walk similar paths to ours, and bear similar crosses. It's such a grace to be able to talk and compare notes, learn from each other's successes and failures, what seems to work and what does not. It will never be exactly the same, as we all have our own individual strengths and weaknesses, but at the same time, we can learn and grow through fellowship and heart-sharing.

I gleaned much wisdom and insight from our conversations. We talked about how easy it is to allow Satan to rob our peace, and how essential that peace is to our walks with the Lord. I personally have struggled with stress in the past (and honestly somewhat into the present), and have been praying for the Lord to show me how to live in peace and trustful surrender to His will. All in His time.

Just a little taste of the last week. I hope to get back on track with my daily musings after this. Thanks for reading and for sticking around with me. God bless!

Let The People Rejoice!

2009-10-22T17:10:00.003-04:00

And God's providing for my musical creativity continues!

Wednesday of last week, I had a very unexpected and intriguing phone call. The music director of my church, who happens to be a very dear friend I've known for years, conference called me and asked if I'd consider taking over the music for the Teen Mass recently started at my church.

Oh, joy!
I absolutely love playing the piano for Mass. I love leading praise and worship. I love working with young people and giving them opportunities to explore their musical talents. I spent four and a half years involved in campus music ministry in college and tremendously enjoyed it.

Needless to say, my first inclination was to jump for joy and proclaim, "YES!" to the world... But I'm trying to grow in discerning the Lord's will and pursuing that, as opposed to jumping on board anything that sparks my interest without giving much thought or prayer to God's plan. So I took this wonderful opportunity to prayer for a few days, and felt that God was smiling upon this endeavor. Jonathan was supportive and excited to play his own part, literally joining the music team to play guitar! With these confirmations, I called and accepted the position.

Oh, joy!!!!

Just another indication of how the Lord is opening doors for me to pursue and develop my gift of music in the midst of my vocation to motherhood. Not only do I get to do something I love, but Jonathan is also getting more involved in our home church, something I've been praying about and wanting since we moved here!

Also, Matthew is a welcome addition to the music, singing alone in his baby way :) It's such a blessing to work with people who understand the limitations and priorities of being a mother and having a baby to care for. I have plenty of hands ready and willing to hold Matthew if he needs entertaining while Mommy plays.

I am so blessed. How marvelously the Lord shows that He both knows my heart's desires and will provide for them. Please pray that God gives me grace to lead the music for the liturgies, to help get the kids excited about church and happy to be there. Please pray that God fills the kids' hearts with a real joy and a passion for Him. Lord, make me a channel of Your peace, a vessel of Your love, a proclaimer of Your glory and praise!

Something They Might Not Have Told You About Babies...

2009-10-20T21:43:00.001-04:00

I mentioned in an earlier post that I would share some more about my early experience with nursing my Matthew. Ladies, let me be the first to say it, if someone has not already broken this news to you: Nursing is NOT always second nature. It is not always easy, and the baby, regardless of how soon after birth he lies on your stomach and you place him on the breast, sometimes does not quickly attach or begin to nurse automatically. It took Matthew and I quite a while to achieve this supposed instinctive and natural skill.

That first week was one of the hardest of my life. It's difficult to understand, unless you are a mother and have suffered something like this. It is absolutely devastating not to be able to give your baby what you as mother ought naturally be able to provide for him.

I remember as soon as Matthew was born, they swaddled him up in a lil wee baby blanket and handed him to me. I nearly wept for joy, at last being able to hold my little son in my arms and cuddle him close. Time stood still for a few moments, and all I can remember is gazing into his little eyes and hearing Jonathan exclaiming, "Oh wow, oh WOW" and "He's just perfect."

I thought the "hard work" part was over, and the "pure bliss enjoyment" had commenced. I was wrong. There was plenty of bliss, don't get me wrong. But my work had only just begun with labor.

I remember while I was holding Matthew for the first time, just loving him all over with my eyes and pronouncing him the most beautiful of all babies, the nurse finally suggested that I nurse him... What? Now? With this audience of my entire family and the nursing staff and doctors etc, etc? But they told me that the sooner, the better, so I shrugged and said there were no secrets anyways, as most of them had just seen me deliver the little guy.

Now ladies, another thing that "they" may not tell you is that... well, for lack of a better way of saying it, all those hormones that will earthquake your body during pregnancy, labor, and delivery will exponentially increase your well-endowedness... Let's just say I rocketed up quite a few cup sizes from start to finish. That made it incredibly difficult to even see Matthew's face while trying to encourage him to nurse. I don't know how he must have felt with this gigantic torpedo approaching at breakneck speed...

The first couple of attempts, I simply couldn't even get him to latch on. My mom and the nurses kept encouraging me, and telling me not to worry when he didn't get it. "Most babies don't get it at first," they said, "It just takes a while. Just keep trying..."

I tried. And tried. And tried some more. I was just SO big, and SO unwieldy, and SO out of control. Matthew just simply was not able to latch on.

They kept me 48 hours in the hospital, and every 6 hours, a new nurse would come on duty and tell me how I should be nursing well by now, that Matthew should be getting this, that it's not that hard. "Here, let me show you," they'd say one after the other, and yet another pair of hands would be showing me how it should be in order for Matthew to successfully latch... Nothing worked. And I started to feel tense and just a little bit uncomfortable with the thought of Matthew not getting it...

At first, I was just happy to have finished pushing and start hugging and kissing. After 48 hours in the hospital, I was ready to go home and be done with people constantly telling me how easy this should be. Only the last nurse (and I seriously thank God for her), mentioned that it might not be as easy as all that, and suggested that I call a lactation consultant if Matthew didn't get it soon. She also - again, GOD BLESS HER- gave me a modified little syringe to help get colostrum (what your breasts produce until your milk comes in) flowing and entice Matthew to latch. I'm truly so grateful to her, both for telling me that it was ok to call an expert for help, and for the practical tools she offered.

I remember walking out of the hospital and thinking to myself, "Now what?" At least I had Jonathan for an extra day. We went home on a Monday, and he got Tuesday off as well. But that first night at home, as I got up hour after hour with a hungry baby that just couldn't get what he so desperately wanted, I cried and cried. I felt I was a failure as a mother, and Matthew hadn't even been home a whole day. I felt that nursing was the one thing that was supposed to be natural, easy, instinctive. It was the one thing that I alone could provide for my little boy. It was supposed to be this incredible bonding experience, where I would look at my baby and he would look at me and it would be magical. And the fact that it wasn't made filled me with doubt and fear and anxiety.

Instead of blissful bonding, my breasts throbbed from my milk coming in even though Matthew wasn't really nursing. Matthew sensed my tension and frustration, and he would get frustrated when he couldn't get any milk. Then it got to the point where I had to extract colostrum with a pump, then feed it to Matthew through a medicine dropper. I remember I would attempt to nurse Matthew, only to fail yet again. After enduring his pitiful attempts for as long as I could bear, I would give him the little colostrum that I had pumped with the eye dropper, all the while bawling at my inadequacies. After he would finally fall asleep, I would sit and pump for the next 40 minutes, trying to get the tiny bit of colostrum out that he would need for the next feeding, because of course he wouldn't be able to get it himself. All the while, crying and crying. It was devastating.

I can't explain how difficult this was for me. Night after night, I would sit by myself with my little baby, incapable of explaining to him how to nurse, and he being unable to accomplish it on his own. He would cry and I would cry, and I would pray to God to spare my baby from my failures. I was already exhausted from the delivery and attempting to adjust to having a new baby in the house. I simply couldn't fathom on top of that having to endure Matthew not nursing. I thought I was alone in this failure. No one told me it might be this hard.

I honestly suffered so much in that first week. Especially after Jonathan went back to work, and I sat there staring at Matthew in his crib, all beautiful and snuggly and sleeping, wondering if the next feeding would be any better. Or would I simply have to give up on my desire to nurse altogether?

Now granted, there are many mothers out there who give their babies formula, and I would be the last person on earth to make a judgment on that. It's a personal decision to be made based on your particular situation, needs, limitations, and God's will for your baby. I just really wanted to be able to breastfeed, and I saw my difficulty with it as a failure, which was a total lie from Satan. If you ever find yourself in a position like this and make the decision to bottlefeed, I will be the first to give you my support. There are many women who simply cannot breastfeed, and have to consider other options. May God bless you.

My mother was so incredibly wonderful that first week, giving me the support and encouragement that only another mother can, who knows that feeling, that suffering. Even she, however, had an easy time with nursing, and didn't know how to help me help Matthew. Jonathan too was a great help, supporting me and praying for me as best he was able.

Just remembering those sleepless nights with my wee one and the eyedropper make my heart ache a little even now. It truly was so hard. Ladies, do not ever, not even once, think that just because you have a tough time nursing, that you are a failure as a mother. I did for a few minutes over those first days, and it was such a lie from Satan to discourage me from the beginning. Sometimes it just happens. Nursing sometimes is just hard and takes time. Sometimes it doesn't happen at all.

And none of that reflects at all on your ability to be a mother, or to bond with your baby, or to give him all that he needs. He will have all that he needs and you will be able to care for and bond with him, regardless of whether you are able to breastfeed or make the decision to bottlefeed. My point with this post is not to suggest one over the other. My point is first of all to say to all those women to whom it has not been told, NURSING IS NOT ALWAYS EASY. Secondly, never, ever, EVER doubt your vocation or capacity as a mother just because nursing is hard or impossible. It's a tremendous cross to bear, but it is not a curse. I had to come to that realization myself.

Thanks be to God, Matthew finally caught on to the concept of nursing after a week of eyedroppers and pumping and throbbing and sobbing. I can't tell you the relief when I finally felt him truly latch for the first time, heard the little gulps of delight, watched his face relax and his little mouth move up and down with each swallow of milk. I cried, but for a different reason. I was so incredible thankful. All those prayers, all that suffering, and at last my little boy was receiving his nourishment from his mommy.

Matthew lost 10 ounces that first week, more than the usual 10% of his birth weight. Thanks be to God, he was a chubbers when he was born (8lbs, 14oz), so he had some wiggle room. But my mom told me after he finally started eating that she was definitely starting to get worried at the end there. He just wasn't eating much at all! And then, in the nick of time, something just clicked... and that something, I believe, was grace.

I thank God even to this day, after 5 months of Matthew nursing like a champ. Every time he wakes me up and I think to myself, "Man, at this point he should very well be sleeping through the night!" I remember back to those heartrending days and I think to myself how very blessed I am. And I stumble through the dark house to my beautiful baby's room, delight in the fact that he stops crying at the sight of me and gives me a big smile, and I hold him close, thankful for yet another opportunity to remember how God has been so marvelously faithful.

Wanted: Non-Perfectionist to be Mother to Baby Boy

2009-10-19T18:01:00.001-04:00

I had an interesting conversation with a good friend recently about parenting and perfection. This person, who is a dear, dear friend, commented that she didn't ever think that she would feel ready to start a family. She said that the heavy responsibility of raising children was too awesome to contemplate, when she didn't even feel her own life was fully on track or under control.

Do I ever know that feeling. So often, I am overwhelmed at the thought of what I have committed myself to. One day, I will stand before Almighty God and say, "Lord, this is what you gave me and this is what I did with that gift." The greatest gift the Lord bestows is that of life, and He allows us, weak and inadequate as we are, to participate in that act of creation.

It is so humbling to think that, with all my own insecurities and fears, I am, in the eyes of the Lord, fit to raise a child--though entirely with His grace. What an awesome responsibility, yes, but at the same time, what an invigorating challenge and call to succeed. For it is now my mission to raise children that will be godly men and women someday. My children will be tomorrow's leaders and, God willing, saints.

I am so unbelievably grateful that the Lord does not demand the perfection that He so rightly could expect. He is perfect, He is all good, He is all holy. And yet, He not only loves me in spite of my imperfection, but He also lovingly accepts all that I can offer and even goes further to perfect my doings Himself. I am truly overwhelmed by His mercy and grace.

During my semester studying abroad in Austria, one of the significant and life-changing times of my life, I composed the following prayer that I want to now share with you:

I give You the best of me, I give You the worst of me,
My self in my entirety.
My strengths and my faults, holding nothing back,
Your presence in me makes up all that I lack.
Give me the strength and the grace
In everything only to seek Your face.
My single ambition - Lord, help me be true -
To be less of me and more of You.

This has been and continues to be such a prayer from my heart. As a recovering perfectionist, I know deep in my heart that He alone gets me through the day. He alone will guide me in the proper raising of my son to bring him to holiness. And you know what? I am so ok with that! God, You be God, and I will be content to be my little self, striving in each day to glorify You and delight You with my crazy antics and efforts to please You. Amen.

"God Is Her Songwriting Partner" Article

2009-10-14T09:38:00.010-04:00

This article was written a few months before I graduated from Franciscan University. It was featured in the National Catholic Register. Joseph Pronechen is a wonderful man and a terrific interviewer. It was a pleasure working with him and communicating something that is such a part of who I am - my passion and love for uplifting and Christ-centered music.

Original article located here.

God Is Her Songwriting Partner

BY JOSEPH PRONECHEN

April 6-12, 2008 Issue | Posted 4/1/08 at 12:11 PM

Not once during the 13 years she studied piano in Fort Myers, Fla., did she think of composing a song — but when a friend suggested she try, Gabriela Martinez wrote a whole CD’s worth. That led to the recording of “Light Unto the World,” a set of original religious songs available at GabrielaFrei.com.

Today, as a 22-year-old senior at Franciscan University of Steubenville (Ohio), from where she will graduate this spring with a degree in Humanities and Catholic culture, Martinez is putting together her second album.
Martinez composes in a meditative, lyrical style and sings in a clear soprano. She has given concerts in Florida and on-campus coffeehouses, and acts as student group leader of the music ministry at Steubenville. She spoke about her songs, music ministry and goals with Register staff writer Joseph Pronechen.

When did your interest in music begin?

For as long as I can remember I always had a passion for music. My mom tells me I was singing before I was speaking. I studied piano for 13 years. That grew out of being homeschooled. My mother was very good about plugging us into a lot of different things that we all excelled in. For me this was not only classical piano but also singing.

Do you have any help in composing your songs?

If I think "I’m going to write a song today," I can’t do it. It’s a humbling thing because I have to be present to the Lord. It’s really his work. He sits down with me and we write the song together. It’s cooperation on my part. I share with the Lord in this active writing of a song and creating a piece of music.

How did your first songs come to you?

I had a car accident when I was 16, and one of the songs stemmed from that experience. It’s called “Why God?” I was asking, “Why did you let this happen? Why do I experience all this pain and sorrow?” — and then realizing in the midst of the pain He’s right there with me, carrying the burden and sharing the pain, showing nothing is too hard to handle. A lot of my music has grown from the experiences through which the Lord has taught me something. And a lot has stemmed from experiences I have had on my walk with the Lord and the words that he has spoken to my heart that have been a grace and blessing to me.

Your songs are quite personal in their details yet universal in their themes.

They spring from my heart and the encounter with the Lord in the depths there. It’s a vulnerable thing because I share the deepest parts of my heart with others. In a lot of ways, these are the words He has spoken to my heart, and I can’t keep them to myself. They’ve been a blessing to me, but I have to share them with the world, to keep speaking the good news of peace and joy. For example, I wrote “Transfigure Me” on the feast of the Transfiguration. Sometimes I wonder, “How could I have written this?” The Lord stepped in and wrote the song along with me, knowing exactly what I needed to hear and continue to need to hear. He’s doing the work of perfection and transfiguration with me every day.

What are your favorite subjects and themes?

Trust, surrender, abandonment to his love. “The Present Moment” grew out of my experiences studying in Austria. It was a semester in learning how to surrender, especially from my need to have a plan with all the ducks in a row. The Lord used that semester to teach me how to abandon myself entirely into his hands. We can make plans for five years down the road, but the gift the Lord has given us is this moment right now. We have to surrender the need to have it all figured out. We have to trust in the Lord and know whatever He has planned for the future is perfectly suited for us.

Your two Marian songs bring this out, too. What’s the story behind “Fiat”?

I wrote that song after my family had the blessing of going on a pilgrimage to the Holy Land. While I was there I meditated mainly on the union between the Sacred Heart and the Immaculate Heart — “Not my will but yours be done” in the Garden of Gethsemane, and “Let it be done to me according to your word” at the Annunciation.

In the last part of the song I’m asking both Our Lord and Our Lady to help me have the ability for that same Yes, embrace it and accept that mission or role, whatever it is, because nobody else can do the work only I can do. That applies to everyone.

Tell me about your pro-life song that has moved listeners.

I wrote “Let Me Live” specifically for my first pro-life concert two Christmases ago. It is a conversation between the unborn baby in its mother’s womb and the young mother herself. Both are crying out to the Lord in fear and desperation: “Is there anyone listening to me? Do you hear the cry of the brokenhearted? … Please, Lord, let me live.” The mother doesn’t want to give up her child, and the little one is crying out, too. We live in such a culture of death that more and more is ready to hear this message of hope and life.

Tell me about your music leadership at Franciscan University.

There’s no more beautiful use of music than in the liturgy of the Mass. I try to do a blend of the traditional hymns and the more contemporary praise-and-worship songs. I came from a more traditional church back home, but I also fit into the praise-and-worship [category] because my family has had a charismatic prayer group for as long as I remember.

What are your plans after graduation?

I would like to see what opportunities and doors the Lord has for me to walk through. I would love to sing full-time and keep writing and recording and develop a ministry to hurting hearts to let them know the Lord is waiting to shower his love on them.

There can be no greater blessing than doing what you love for who you love.

Staff writer Joseph Pronechen

writes from Trumbull, Connecticut.

Faith and Family Magazine Article

2009-10-13T22:56:00.003-04:00

I was featured in this article titled "Singing Their Hearts Out: Young Catholic singers mix faith and music," during my senior year at Franciscan University. It was an awesome experience, being interviewed and getting to share my love for music and the Lord. I hope it's not the last time. You can click on the link to see the rest of the article, as I have only presented the portion referring to me.

Faith & Family Magazine: Singing Their Hearts Out

The Beauty of Praise
_{_{Gabriela Martinez, age 22}}
_{_{At Franciscan University of Steubenville in Ohio, senior Gabriela Martinez has found a way to give back to God her talents as a student group leader in music ministry.}}

_{_{“Music has such a real capacity to enrich and uplift people’s hearts and lives,” explains 22-year-old Gabriela of her work in this campus ministry. “At Mass it is sanctified, and it is a prayer glorifying God. It encourages people to do the same. There’s no more beautiful use of music than in the liturgy of the Mass.”}}
_{_{Gabriela, who plays piano with the other musicians, is exuberant about how this ministry has increased her “awareness of the deep unity in the liturgy of the Mass.”}}
_{_{She also participates in the university’s Born of the Spirit retreats, a source of spiritual healing and growth for her. She became student head of this retreat ministry.}}
_{_{“Because,” explains Gabriela, “I wanted everyone on campus to experience the deep love of the Lord and know all the incredible gifts he pours forth with the Holy Spirit. … It’s all about him.”}}
_{_{“Using a pure gift the Lord has given me for music to encourage others is very humbling,” says Gabriela. “Watching them pray is the most humbling feeling in the world.”}}
_{_{She also composes religious music and gives concerts. At the Students for Life campus coffeehouse, soprano Gabriela sang her pro-life songs like “Let Me Live.” Off-campus concerts include some at her parish in her hometown of Fort Myers, Fla.}}
_{_{“I’ve been able to perform the words the Lord has spoken to my heart and to share a vulnerable side of my heart with others,” she says of them. “Developing my music has helped me grow, and sharing it has helped others who are experiencing similar trials and joys.”}}
_{_{No wonder she hopes to devote the first year after graduating with a humanities and Catholic culture degree to bringing others her songs of trust, surrender, and abandonment to the Lord’s love.}}

_{_{Staff writer Joseph Pronechen writes from Trumbull, Connecticut.}}